My World

'You are likely in a quiet, reflective mood today, dear Leo. It may be that you receive a communication from an old friend who sets your mind thinking back to the good old days of your youth. You can't help but look at some of the pivotal decisions you made in your life and wonder how your life would be different had you made different choices. This is a pointless game to play, dear Leo. Rather than wondering about "what if," your time would be better spent embracing what you have'

be strong elly, and remember of the happy times you had, especially with him. he who brings so much happiness in my life. now, that's a smile on my face..

'banyakkan bersabar and willing to give more. able to accept him for who he is, he is a human afterall who is prone to make mistakes and not as perfect as you thought he is, willing to forgive and forget cos that is just what sharing one's life with another means'

more or less advices that were given to me post-maritally.

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nothing specific to write today. wish to call mama for our weekly chat, but she'll not be at home til thursday. she goes to perth with kak lysa since last sunday. abah is not home either, he goes to his annual uk/russia trip til next week. so tinggal me, jiman, meda, maisarah and iwan. the latter is having his final exams now, felt a bit pity to him for not having anyone around. but he called me yesterday to get a good luck wish, which made me feel quite appreciated as a big sister. he is closest to mama and kak lysa, and the least to me. no surprises there, as i was not around for most of his childhood period. anyway, time to amend broken relationship, and i'm glad he called me yesterday and we did have a good chat.

meda, my sis-in-law is at the end stage of her pregnancy. she is at 32 weeks, but already experience some pain and the docs said that the baby's position is too downwards. pray that she can maintain the pregnancy up to until 36 wks, ie until full term before delivering the baby. she plans to have it in kuantan, so i plan to drive back home anytime when she delivers the baby. and it's going to be a boy :)

oklah, got to do some work now. this week and next week are going to be a stressful one. pray everything will turn out to be ok. calo

i thought this weekend was a good one. good weather, it rained a bit, making it not as hot as it always been since i came here. managed to settle a few things as well, sent the car to get its regular check-ups, did my fortnightly groceries shopping, managed to do some readings and cleaned my room and did the laundry as well. all in all, it is a productive weekend, and i like that ;)

didnt have the mood to write about the wedding, but what else to write about? me and my mundane life? oklah, i will try to write something.

hubby thinks i'm too thin (tempted to say something sarcastic about this, but managed to refrain myself so bravo to me haha. the polite-est respond to this would be 'have you got your eyes checked lately, dear?). i admit i lost some bit of weight lately, but definitely not too much. i still eat as usual, it's just that i burnt more nowadays. then hubby explained himself by saying he doesnt mind what size i am, as long as i remained as energetic and lively like i used to be. sigh. i admit i used to be very energetic and physical, i used to move all my stuff all on my own when i moved houses. i could carry a 24inch tv with no sweat at all, i could lift 20-something kg heavy boxes and bags with no problem at all. back then i could walk the whole day, did this and did that. sadly i couldnt do it anymore. hurt my shoulders sometime ago and i became more and more tired that usual. i blame it on the old age haha. you cannot expect a 28-year-old to be as energetic as a 20-year-old, can you? plus my appetite is not as good as it used to be. and it got worse whenever i stress. dono.

anyway, i vow to improve my physical ever since hubby mentioned about it. no i'm not joining a weight-lifting class, but i promise to do regular exercises every now and then when i got nothing to do in the late afternoon, and i also promise to eat regularly, 3 times a day, with at least one rice meal each day. should i get a multivitamin? the last one i tried really gave me a scare, the ginseng content did give me a boost of energy, just that it was a little bit too much to tell you the truth. i'll make sure the next one doesnt have any ginseng in it huh. but with so many choices of multivitamins over the counter, how would i choose one?

oklah, suddenly i felt intrige to write a little something about the wedding (hehe). it is about my choice of colour theme for the wedding. those who know me, i can be quite fickle-minded at times. like this choice of theme colour for the wedding, i changed it more than a couple of times, and it didnt help with me being in such a looonnnggg engagement. my initial choice of colour was dark brown with a hint of copper colour, and cream as the background colour. i chose this because people always say that dark chocolate colour suits my skin colour. then, however, when my brother got married in 2006, mama had decided to choose that same colour as his wedding theme colour. jiman was totally innocent, being a typical guy, he didnt care at all about the theme colour. but mama loved gold, and what better match with gold other than dark brown? and the rest is history..

a year later, when my sister bought the cadar from china which i decided there and then to be the cadar for the katil pengantin, i thought green would be suitable. green because the cadar, which is cream in colour with beautiful light pink and other pastel-coloured embroidery on top of it, has a green border, so i thought if i would wear a green wedding dress, it would be well-matched with the cadar. hehe again, the colour coordination obsession.

then i realised green doesnt suit my skin colour. plus there are sooo many shades of green out there, light green, dark PAS green, pastel green, apple green, pucuk pisang green, hijau lumut etc, making it imposible to have only one shade of green for the wedding. and being a colour coordination obsess, i know if the wedding involved the wrong shades of green, and there is a high possibility for this to occur, it would only caused me a heartache, more like an eye-ache. dono why, but if i see the pelamin, the dress, the bunga pahar etc all in a different shade of colour, altho it has the same colour eg green, it would have caused me such a stress and i wouldnt like it all.

then last year i saw raja nazrin got wed with the ever-so-beautiful tunku zara, which later became my idol (haha). she looked sooo beautiful during her nikah with her white dress, so i thought why not putih? white will always be white, i know that in north pole the eskimos has more than 20 shades of white, but here, in a normal population, white is white. i can still able to accept off-white, pearly white etc cos it's still white, as long as it's not cream. so white it was..

.. until mama said the wedding would be a dull, more like a majlis berkabung, if i choose to have it all white. see, the person who you loved most will surely be the one who hurt you the most. anyway, after pikir punyer pk punyer pk, i was still adamantly want white as the theme colour, but this time with some hint of silver and light grey. and i almost managed to get it all done according to this theme colour, until my wedding team said, 'er, mane ade daun kaler putih or silver or grey?' and 'susah nak carik all only white roses for the pelamin, guest tables etc' since i wanted a fresh-flower pelamin. so then oklah, malas nak pk, it was white theme colour, with a hint of silver, light grey, natural light pink roses and leafy green. so there you go. to choose the theme colour for you wedding is not as easy and straightforward as it seems. or is it just me? tee hee hee :D *peace*

finally i have some time for a long entry that i plan to write.

this entry is meant for the sake of my memory. as time flies at a faster rate especially when you are busy and occupied, you tend to forget all the small little details that occured in your daily lives. as this is one of the most important event in my life, i hope not to leave any memory behind and to treasure every moment of it.

it started on wednesday afternoon when i planned to drive back home. i used to drive the 5-hour journey alone a couple of times before, so i couldnt see any problem there. but as usual, being a girl who lives in malaysia, this action is apparently never heard of by most of my friends who was in shock to hear that i would be driving alone for 5 hours to attend my own wedding. i appreciated their concern, and believe me if i had another solution i would have taken it.

the journey back home was almost always quite an adventurous one. the last time i drove back was last raya, when it was raining ever so heavily, with tunders and strong wind, and i couldnt see a thing on the road and had to stop a few times, but i never told anyone about this cos i know if my parents knew about this, they would forbid me from driving back alone again. and of course i wouldnt want that, would i? i want to remain as independent as possible, especially since now i own my own car. and this time it was also rained rather heavily, but minus the tunder and wind. but added with a rough few days previously, actually i was rather tired to drive but i was determined to continue on my plan that afternoon. i had all sorts of sweets, keropok and asams to accompany me, with cds and mp3 songs. i dont usually make a stop in the middle of the journey, cos i cant see the point of stopping somewhere to get a drink or something when you're driving alone, and that i would rather have a straight drive and reach my destination asap.

reached kuantan at 6pm something, went straight to see my sort-of wedding planner. you see, i booked a bridal boutique in kuantan to do almost all the things that i needed for the wedding. and me not being in kuantan to sort it out myself, i only contacted them through phones to ask for them to arrange for this and that. from them i booked the pelamin, the khemahs plus deco, the make-ups and the accesories, and also the bunga telor, bunga dulang and bunga pahar. and i thought they were rather good, being a fussy bride myself. as i mentioned before, i dont think i'm the fussiest bride out there, but i definitely know what i want and i adamantly want it all done according to my choice. and i make this quite clear when i saw the wedding team for the first time. i think i managed to convince them that i'm not big-headed (yes i am ahah) or berlagak, it's just that i know what i want and i want it done my way. like when i said i didnt want a single glint of gold seen in any of my wedding stuff, they truely understood that and tried their best to fulfill it. like when i told them the theme was 'simple, but nice' and especially no extravagance like kerawang2 or heavy2 stuff, and they listened to that. like when i said i want a white and silver bunga stokin and nothing else as my bunga telor, bunga dulang and bunga pahar, they did that as well and i fully appreciated it. like when i want this particular fresh flower bunga pegang and informed them just 2 days before the wedding, they managed to pull it off and i was indeed pleased. and when my mother specifically wanted each of the 14 guest tables to have a small basket of fresh white roses and other white coloured flowers, they managed to prepare it all within 1 day of notice. i was indeed very pleased.

ok enough with the wedding team. back to the night i came back home. after seeing the wedding team that night, i went straight to one of the tailor who made my nikah and groom's reception dresses. this is when being someone who knows exactly what she wants becomes such a pain in the ass. the dresses didnt turn out like i want it to be, and it did upset me a lot. the dresses fit me ok, but it just werent the dresses that i imagined it would be like. actually the dresses were ready before raya but i wasnt satisfied with them so i returned it back and asked the tailor to do some modification. after about a month, i came back and the result was still frustating. i had to calm myself and reminded myself that i shouldnt behave like this and that i should be grateful for being able to afford to buy and tailor-made all my wedding dresses. some of you guys out there must be thinking what a selfish and arrogant person i am, well, there you go. the real me. i wouldnt want to justify myself, but it IS my wedding, MY wedding, and as i mentioned many, many times, having a pretty and perfect dress is my most, MOST top, TOP priority in my wedding. i dont care about the guests, or the presents, or the pelamin, or makan beradab, (although i admit being rather obsessive about colour coordination haha) but all i ever wanted was to have nice, beautiful, hardly-cant-breath pretty dresses for my wedding. is that what you called fussy? then you havent met that many brides-to-be huh.

anyway, i managed to calm myself and able to accept the dresses as they were and drove back home. imagine how tired i was for being in the car from 1 to 8pm! about 7 hours of driving! seriously penat. but no, i couldnt simply lay my head on the pillow yet that night. i had to finish all my 9 hantarans that night and slept at 3 in the morning.

woke up at 7 next morning. what did i do that day? oh yeah, kemas my bilik to turn it to bilik pengantin. as i mentioned, i wasnt fussy at all about this bilik pengantin. kemas itu kemas ini, earlier that week the curtain lady dah pasangkan the langsir, using the material i choose myself a few months before raya lagi. you know what? after writing all these, it made me realise one new thing about myself: i like to be incharge when it's regarding my life. (for some unknown reason i can actually hear ellina said - er, actually kan, ko mmg mcm tu sejak dulu lagi - weird, but i'm convinced she would say that, but i guess she knows me best haha). like i wanted to choose curtain material myself (altho it's just a plain stripe cream-coloured one), then choose the dress materials myself (specifically wanted an off-white french lace with bunga setompok2, lining with light grey/silver satin - when everyone, altho mama was the only one brave enough to mention it, thought it was a dull combination) and choose such an unconventional ring (with not a single fan out there, among my family and relatives, but they werent brave enough to mention this to me haha). anyway, there you go. the real me. a control freak haha.

hmm.. how come the more i write, the more i reveal the not-so-pleasing personality of mine? this entry is about the wedding, not about me and my head haha. so here goes again.

told you this going to be a looooonnggg entry. as i said, this entry is for my memory, so if you dont like, please go hehe.

so where are we? oh, thursday. spent the whole day tidying my room. altho the curtains were new, but it wasnt from my request, it was mama's. all i did was choose the material and the design. all because mama didnt want to choose it herself (but i guess she also knows her daughter very well..). the cadar pengantin was not new. no one actually had it before, but it wasnt bought specifically for the wedding. kak lysa bought it from china about 2 years ago and i thought it was so simple, yet so pretty and i decided there and then to use it for my wedding. all the attempts done by mama to convince me to buy a new (and more extravaganza) one had failed. see, i'm not that fussy, i just know what i want.

oh yeah, how can i forget, that same thursday afternoon i was waiting ever so eagerly for kak lysa to arrive from kl. why? because she would bring my silver wedding dress from kl! after a frustating event the day before regarding my other wedding dresses, my only consolation was my final wedding dress that was going to be used for my house reception. i wrote it so many times in my previous entries about how eager i was to have this dress readied. tempah at butik citra, ampang point and spent quite some money to get it tailored (the reason i mentioned the butik's name was that it was a request from mr iszal, the tailor, who would like me to recommend his butik to my friends, and after seeing the final result and as a show of ever-so gratitude towards his workmanship, i decided to put it here, altho rase tak sedap hati sket as it can appear as if i bangga2 kan designer whatsoever, like certain blogs/fotopages of brides that would mentioned 'oh btw, rizalman or salikin or whoeverthatis designed my dress, if you must know'. that wasnt my intention, i was just so grateful for his services, how he was ever-so polite to me and my mum, how he listened to my needs, how he combined his design with mine (typical me knowing what i want), how he was so patient with me kept losing weight and that he had to repair the dress not once, but three times and the final result which was so breath taking (in my eyes) and the dress turned out exactly what i imagined it to be like. so coming from a fussy person, i fully recommend this person)

so as you can guess, that day was a happy day for me. i had one of my dream come true, ie to have a oh-so-breath-takingly pretty dress for my wedding. i dont care if others find it simple, or unimpressive, but that dress was perfect in my eyes. not too extravagance, not too shimmering or glittering, it was just perfect. everything was so matched, with its shoes and veil, all with the same beads designs, and the colour of beads were perfectly matched. just like i imagined my wedding dress would be like. it was just perfect. and this might sound funny, or even silly, but the moment i saw and tried the dress (which fitted me perfectly, of course) i instantly know i can do this, i mean all the wedding thingy, and that i know i can go through with it all. it gave me such a boost of confidence. that was how having a perfect dress meant to me. silly eh?

gosh, this entry is already long, and this hasnt include the wedding day itself! guess i have to write a second entry then. hmm altho i dont have to apologise since this is my blog and that i can write whatever i want, but for some reason i felt guilty for writing such a long, and maybe boring, entry. so there you go. half my brain said sorry, the other half said 'who cares?'. anyway, will write again and finish this entry soon. tadaloo.

finally it's all OVER!!

it was sooo tiresome. and time consuming. and i'm glad it's done. i am now someone's wife. hehe felt so funny. and when i saw him, my thought would be, 'my HUBBY!' hehe. now i cant address him as 'my fiance' anymore like what i did for the last 4 years and 2 months, now i have to address him as 'my husband'...eee dont think it has sinked in my head, yet. and now i'm a 'puan'. bloody hell. felt so funny hihihi.

but i'm glad and grateful to be the wife for someone i'm truly head over heel in love with. a former friend once mentioned to me that ugly girls, like me, do not deserve true love, and that guys are only marrying ugly girls, like me, out of desperation when they couldnt find anyone else to marry. it was such a hurtful statement, and i know i will remember it forever, but now i know i can prove him wrong. i have found a wonderful person who is in love with me, who gives me support and advice whenever i need, always there to hold my hand and to provide a shoulder to cry on, and i know he will always be there for me. so you're dead wrong, MR ADI MD SHAH! i think every person in this world deserve to have their own happiness, no matter who they are, what they are. everyone deserves to be happy.

not sure what made me wrote that. i'm such a person who hold grudges, pretty bad. i know it's not good, what past is past, but i think some people should know that they can hurt people quite badly and that they do not realise it. i hope i do not fall into that category, i admit i can be quite opinionated at times, and i can be very cruel to those i hate, but i surely appreciate and treat my dear ones nicely. well, that's for my friends to judge.

oklah, got to go. will write more later.