My World

i'm at the old library computer cluster again. just finished my tutorial. it's 1.12pm now, and the next lecture is at 3, plus it's raining outside, so no point of me going back home. tapi ape nk buat skrg? i hate time between lectures. yeah yeah go to library blah blah blah.

i thought of checking a bike store near central stn, but it's raining now, so not a very good idea then. seriously need to find a bike. and seriously need to find something to eat for lunch. brought some biscuits but dont feel like i want to eat biscuits.

bosan bosan bosan.

not sure what to do nowadays.

and for the first time, i'm not sure what to write. my life is that boring.

i'm at the old library computer cluster now. just finished my tutorial at ridley building and singgah sekejap at this uni cluster before i head for town. i got tired with walking so i thought today i catch the bus. today's discussion group was so-so. i dont want to be labelled as the lazy or the dumb or the quiet one, so i prepared my stuff the night before. but some of them did not take this group discussion serious enough. or is it me who take this too seriously? well, no harm done if i prepare my stuff beforehand as long as i dont bising2 or act like miss-know-it-all during the discussion right? it's our group's turn to present this week, but nearly half of the group wont even present on the presentation day itself! talk about group spirit.

anyway, yesterday i got a migrane. something that i havent had for about 2 years, i think, thanks to the beta-blocker that i take for the anxiety, which also acts as a prophylaxis for migrane. i usually have some signs before each attack, like blurred vision, with or without scotomas (betul..can see flying flashing yellow dots), and this time my vision got blurred, i had some difficulties to write and read my handwriting. but yesterday i just ignored the sign, i really wanted to stay in the library to do some work between the lectures. alas, it got worse, and i had to walk home with a very bad vision and a throbbing ache at the back of my right head. until now i am still not sure what triggers it on.

i used to have quite severe episodes of migrane in the past. one that i remember was about 3 years ago when azali came to visit me in newcastle. me and azali werent a couple yet at that time. he came to newcastle in the morning, and i had this massive throbbing pain in my right head, so severe i thought my right eye could have came out of its socket. i laid on the bed, in full pain, for 10 hours. think i took about 6 paracetamol kot, plus ubat batuk, ubat selsema etc, basically all the ubat that i had at that time. i tried everything to ease the pain but nothing worked. finally, i just laid on the bed, feeling very sick, half-mabuk with all the drugs that i took, with azali sitting on the floor next to the bed. i couldnt remember what happen after that, i must have slept, and when i opened my eyes again, i saw his face, looking very concern, and i knew he stayed awake all the time, worrying about me.

so yesterday, i went back home, the headache got worse, i couldnt even see the doorknob, took some paracetamol and the beta blocker, changed into my pyjamas, closed the curtain, locked the door, and tried to sleep. luckily the house was quiet and i had a pleasant rest. woke up a few hours later, feeling much better, walked back to meds school for the 4 o'clock lecture. luckily the migrane wasnt that bad this time.

it's 12.30 at the moment, think i'll just pusing2 town before heading back to meds school for the 2 o'clock lecture. i'll be working tomoro at the usual place in monkseaton. not sure what to eat for lunch. i'm not that hungry, but i bet my stomach will start growling in the middle of lectures. cant wait for ellina to come back from malaysia next tuesday. i promise to get rid of emelynne's stuff in her room, think i'll do that tonite, if not this weekend, before she comes back. not sure what to eat for dinner. i dont want to cook. maybe i'll buy a big lunch and save some of it for dinner haha. have a nice day.

super bapak malas. that is how i describe my weekend. think i'm gonna die of laziness. seriously. or maybe for being so fat. oh i'm so fat. officially fat huhu. it rained all day on saturday. i didnt have a mood to do anything, but i knew i had to get out of the house. planned to meet up with mu'azzah but she wasnt well so i went to town alone. but the town was so packed due to a football match, mind you, our stadium is in the town itself, so ramai gile org pakai baju hitam putih (newcastle's jersey colour) so i went to metro centre. saja jalan2, makan angin..in a shopping mall...always works for me hihi. didnt buy anything, duit pun tade, just nk jalan2. went out for a few hours, bought some millie cookies and that was my dinner. see, i dont have much appetite nowadays, but still, i eat a looottt. fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. the weather was alrite today. still a bit cold, but at least it was dry. met up with mu'azzah in starbucks later in the afternoon. before that i catched Belgian F1 over ITV1 to watch kimi raikonen won. i dont mind whoever won, as long as it's not michael schumacher haha. i hope next time McLaren gets 1-2 podium positions cos they deserve it man. they got the best cars out there. anyway i met up with mu'azzah later and hell i had enjoyed myself. it was good to catch up with her after a few months, changing news and gossips. it was good to see her happy again. started my wedding scrap book project. hell it took longer time than i initially thought. well, i'm not in a rush, it's a self project, not an assignment, it's supposed to be fun loh so no pressure to myself, i can finish it later or do it whenever i got free time. gosh woman, you certainly have some issue regarding expectation, havent you? it's supposed to be your hobby ie things that you enjoy doing when you have some spare time, not a one-off thing. hmm a reminder to myself.

need to call sayang soon. really miss him badly, and i really really want to see his face.

tomoro's timetable: 1 hour lecture in the morning and in the afternoon, both are which they already gave out the handouts on friday. are they kidding us or what? like anyone gonna turn up. maybe someone like me gonna turn up. someone like me who felt very guilty over the laziness of her weekend that she thought she needs to come to both lectures and do some work at the library in between lectures. think she'll do that. good for her. do pity her. have a productive week!

as you have seen, my blog has a new template. me got bored with the old one, think i want a lighter background this time. this one wasnt my first choice tho, the first choice wasnt created for blogspot, and no, i didnt do the template myself. i just surfed the internet, looking for free templates haha. so, my first choice wasnt created for blogspot, and i had to do lots of modification and then i got bored after the first 2 hours, went back to blogspot dot com and chose one of the ready-made templates there. so here is my 4th templates.

autumn has officially arrived in newcastle. it rained heavily all day, in fact it still rains when i write this entry. and my timetable today hasnt been the best either. had a session at 10.30 til 10.50am (? - dont ask) at meds school before some lectures from 3 to 5pm in the afternoon. in between? if it was 1 or 2 hours, i'll just go hanging out somewhere, but 4 hours? me walked back home. hujan lebat. then at half 2, me walked again to meds school. hujan lagi lagi lebat. i sat in the lecture theatre, soaked wet, for 2 hours. yup, i did have the umbrella plus the hat.

what else? PMS of the month --> paranoia. seriously think that the world is comploting to hate and destroy me slowly., painfully but surely. but since my insight is (very) good, i dont think it can be called paranoia. again, whatever, it's all in my head.

this week has been veryyy slow. nad said i felt that way because i just had my summer break and that it is normal to feel like that on the 1st week. 4th year is weird. i had a full and tense 3rd year, 9-5 almost every day every week, tests and presentations almost every week. then 4th year? 1 hour Monday morning. 1 hour Monday afternoon. Tuesday 2-5pm. Free for the whole Wednesday. Thursday 10-1pm. Friday 10-11am, 3-5pm. what?

i need to find my routine. i need to be organised and adapt to these changes asap. i work best when i'm packed and full and busy. yah, i need to do that.

i also need to improve my social life. i dont mean go hu-ha hu-ha, party-party, i mean to meet new people, learn something new and useful and develop a good hobby and improve my social and communication skills. shanti learnt yoga, judo and salsa last year when she was in 4th year. i want to do something that i enjoy. i've decided on a couple of things. 1st, i want to make a scrap book of all the wedding stuff that i've collected so far. i know it's not as exciting as salsa, but i like weddings; from the dresses, to pelamins, bunga telur, hantaran, cakes, bed etc. i know i dont have much magazine materials here in the uk, but that doesnt stop me from starting my scrap book project.

2ndly, i want to enrol at the language centre. i want to learn a new language, chinese maybe, and maybe japanese as well, if i have time. it's 25quids each language, and i think i can squeeze myself into their 2 hour-per week sessions. well, that's the plan.

i'm not very sporty, so i cant see the benefit of me joining the sport centre. plus shanti said that the fee is much much more than last year.

cant think of anything else to write. it's really cold right now, and i wish for that someone to hug me tight under the duvet right now ;P you know who you are hihi. have a nice weekend

i'm at the med school computer cluster at the moment. i usually prefer blogging in my home, using my own laptop, and be in a more private setting. but today, nah, i thought a change in venue may be good. it's the 3rd day of the course, and it's been good so far. i try my best to overcome my group discussion phobia, and it went orait, after a bit of help with the beta blocker. my group is typical; there is a serious one, studious one, quiet one, joker one, not-too-enthutiastic one, loud one etc. i guess everyone is still getting to know one another. i dont like my previous entry. hmm.. next time i'll not get near a computer whenever i'm angry or pissed off. when i'm angry, i'm not good. evil, i may say. i say hurtful things. i'll complaint, complaint, complaint, and whinge, whinge, whinge, and nag, nag, nag, blah blah blah. well, terlajak perahu boleh diundur, terlajak kate badan binasa. fine. my insight is good. way too good, i think. i need a bike. seriously. i simply cannot walk to meds school 5 days a week. ok, 4 days a week. it's a mile in one way, that's 25 minutes walking. that makes me walking 1 hour everyday. lenguh tulang pinggul ambo. carboot, where are tho? tak pernah pegi weh. blyth? that's a long way to go. i need a bike weh. came across this pic when i browsed the internet yesterday. i think the batch below me, ie ellina's batch, there are more beautiful girls with brains. serious. came across some really stunning girls, malay girls, mostly i know just by names but havent actually met in person, and they got brains too! think it's not fair to put down their names, but they are just stunning. the pic below i found it in lini's fotopages. she is a year below me. i only spoke to her once, i think, while in kmys, when i tried to sell some tuna sandwiches for my house, ie house B. i heard quite some khabar angin about her, but then again, it's not fair for me to judge her since i only spoke to her once. the guy, mizan, was my batch's president. he did a huge huge favour for me last time, and i got huge huge respect for this guy. he is a nice guy. they got engaged last june, i think. i hope it's ok for me to put their pic here, i simply like engagement/wedding pics, and i particularly like lini's dress. they looked so suuwwiittt together i think.

suwwiiitt..lini & mizan on their engagement ceremony last june...suuwwiiittt aaahhh...i hope i wont get into any trouble by putting their pic here. hope they dont have the 'hak cipta berpelihara' thing.

sial nyer mara.

just when i thought i had a good day, then mara spoilt it all.

i havent received mara's allowance for 4 months now. it was expected, as my old contract ended this year, cos i was supposed to graduate this year kan. mara said no worry, cos i had a good reason to take a year out last year, they asked me to reapply again asap, which i did last march. so when the scholarship ended last june, i contacted mara london and they said that mara kl already approved my re-application and that mara london is waiting for bahagian perakaunan mara kl to inform mara london. that was 4 months ago. my parents are tired of waiting so they contacted a friend who works in mara kl to ask about my situation. and just now my dad called me saying that their mara kl's friend said that i should reapply and that they didnt receive my reapplication at all.

bloody hell. feel like my head gonna explode.

it is mara kl's. i contact mara london, like every 2 weeks, and they confirmed that mara kl has already approved my application. i reapplied last march, and they approved on april. and on june the scholarship stopped, and until now, sept, i havent received a single penny. see, i tried my best to follow the procedure, and i did what i had been told. i know i had a 'slope' last couple of years, and i accepted the consequences, i followed what i had been told, i reapplied, passed my exams and didnt complain of 4 months of penniless.

one of my friends was in a similiar situation as i am, he didnt even reapply as early as i was, he went back to malaysia on summer, panjat bangunan mara and faced pegawai mara for a few hours, and tada, he got his allowance at that end of the month. not fair. no, obviously it was good for him, as he is a nice guy, but what about me who followed everything like in the book, did what being told, me who doesnt go and face the pegawai mara kl myself cos i dont have the money to go back, and then my application is placed at the bottom of the shelf? imagine if my parents dont have a friend in mara kl? and i wait and wait and wait for months, just to find out that they didnt even receive my application and i'm back to square one?

i didnt ask to be here. if i can, i wanna go home. i'm not the type of person who lurvveees being in the uk, leh hu-ha hu-ha, joli sakan with friends, idup bebas etc. i dont want to further complain my life in newcastle as i should be grateful for having the opportunity to be here blah blah blah, but honestly, i dont want to be here. i have to be here. it's the only road that i have, believe me, i've tried to find alternative routes, but being here i have to. no question there, no further complaint, i'm trying hard, really hard to focus on my life again now i'm finally on track again, i received, accepted and paid for the consequences of what i did in the past, so stop it. just stop it.

you want to know now why i'm being a pathetic anti-social, who is shy and prefers to keep things to herself? not because i'm shy, you stupid, everyone who knows me know that i'm not shy nor quiet. i am embarassed. of my life. for all i did in the past, it was embarasing, and i dont want people to know cos i thought if they know, they wouldnt like me. they wouldnt even want to know me. you should have seen those eyes when they heard 'repeating student. failed her exams. twice. what a stupid girl. you shouldnt be here. what a stupid girl'. their eyes say it all. '25 years old. still got half way her course, when everybody in her age have already worked, or at least graduated. what a stupid, stupid girl'. their eyes say it all.

and today is my first day as a 4th year student. what to know what inside my mind? i dont think i can do it, it looks hard, i dont think i'm capable to pass. when i sat in the lecture theatre this morning, i thought, gosh, me sitting with all these brilliant people? i was so honoured, and speechless. i dont even think i'm qualified to sit in the same lecture theatre as them. and i just sat there, remained as quiet as i can, trying not to shaken to much.

but as usual, i cope. met some brilliant friends, old and new. my thought yesterday was 'how am i going to cope 4th year? i dont know anyone. i only know 25 people from my old hosp group, and some of them didnt even talk to me, so how am i going to cope now with 300 new faces? no one knew me. 'i'll cope', i said to myself last night, i always cope. i've waited for 2 years to be in 4th year, and now it finally there. 'just pick yourself together, you've been in much worse senario before, and you'll be fine'.

met some old malaysian friends. they accepted me in their group, all non-malay. one malaysian chinese guy asked me whether i'm chinese. i was speechless. no, i'm honoured. you see, i have this ridicilous aim in life, that is to be as chinese as i can. dont ask why. before this it was british, or china's chinese or japanese who thought i was a chinese. but a malaysian chinese? i'm honoured. that surely brighten my day. they seem nice. all of them. i think they are a bunch of nice people.

then suddenly more and more faces become familiar. some are friend's friend, some are friend's friend's friend, some are old acquintances, and they remembered me! they smiled, and waved, and we chatted. i thought i would be alone on my 1st day, but it turned out to be ok. i even like my small tutorial group. it still early days, but they looked fine.

it's another day of my life. see, i'm pretty good at comforting myself. there's no use of me sharing my problem, i dont like assurance nor compliments like 'oh, you'll be fine', 'oh, dont worry, everything's fine', 'i know you're good, elly'. all are bullshits. they dont know me, and how can they say that? so i usually comfort myself. i've been in a much much worse senario before, and i got through it, so i know i'll be fine this time. amin.