My World

this time last week i was at heathrow, sending off my mum back home. i know i was going to be sad, but not that very sad, cos i know my mum is going home, to her family, and i know that her brothers, my uncles, were going to take good care of her. my cousins were there as well, so it wasnt like in 2002 where i had to send home my mum and sis at the heathrow and then be completely alone after that. i was wrong.

less then 5 minutes after my mum and uncles went into the departure gate, i was alone. same old loner again. i dont know, it was something that i had decided there and then. my cousins insisted me to stay at their place, at least for a few hours before my bus trip that night, but there and then my mind told me it is time to be alone again.

that night i was alone in the tube going from heathrow to victoria. then another 3 hours or so for my bus that scheduled at half 11. i felt lonely, and empty. 'life is definitely going back to the usual', i thought. i had to swallow the truth there and then. the usual life as a loner in a faraway land, where there's no one to care for you except yourself.

i have never been close to anyone except my family. i have friends, but no one actually come close enough to know the real me. maybe azali. and he's still learning to know the real me after 5 years we are together. maybe ellina. but she is she, and i am me, and there is still a tiny invisible barrier that exists between us. and i always know that i'm not a social type. i'm not active in societies, and i'm not comfortable in gatherings. i am me. who doesnt like crowds, and children, who despise over-friendliness, so i know i am and will always be a loner, except for one or two people who i invite in to be with me. the barrier that i build is there to stay, and i'm not complaining for being a loner, because that is me. but every now and then i have to bear the feeling of swallowing the fact that there is no one to talk to and laugh with or cry with. i am alone.

another day.. another revision..

i'm stucked at home at the moment for having shingles. sigh. such a time for it to appear! i cant go to the hospital and wards because it's infectious and i can only go to the library when no one is there ie night time. so i'm stuck at home doing my revision. today's revision: obs& gynae. hopefully it will go as planned.

4 more weeks to final! oh i'm seeing stars...

mama came and now she's gone. thank you for coming mama. thank you thank you. thank you for the time, for the support, for the adventure, for the money (hehe), for the swatch (my fifth! :D) and thank you for being there. LOVE YOU LOADS! bad news is that i cant upload the pics. the memory card from my camera demands to be formatted and thus all the pics will be gone! help! does anyone know how to save those pics before the formating? i've asked 2 people who knows lots more computer stuff than i do but they also dont know. guess i have to go to the camera shops and ask them.

i have to go. revision revision. i need to get use of these short entries. have a nice day!

happy easter. not that i know the meaning behind easter weekend, all i know is that it's a public holiday weekend and that not a single shop is open ha ha. and yeah, it's the most unsuitable time to diet as they have chocolate easter eggs, like, everywhere :p

i'm having the last portion of belgian chocolate cheesecake for my breakfast. heaven! for the last few days i had to force myself to eat and finish all the junkfood that i bought from the tesco trip last week. half of the things i bought was junkfood, like cakes, ice-cream and crisps, and now i have to finish them all before they expire. am sooo not gonna to lose any weight... wirda wait for me to come back and join you at the gym!

holiday sucks. seriously. never would i dream of saying this.. but holiday sucks. it drives my mind crazy. i work best when i'm busy and have a certain routine. wake up at certain time, do this task and that task, go to the library for a couple of hours on the way back, then reach home, shower, pray, dinner, then bed. but when i am in a, what you called, semester break, i lost all the routine. and worse is that what holiday does to my head. i start to spend too much time thinking. yup, thinking. i'm a person who has too much of imagination. i can think that, or this, or 1001 of other possible consequences of an action, for example. when i'm busy and tired, i dont have time to listen to this thinking. but now when i'm free, i'll start to think about this and that, stupid simple task like deciding what to eat for dinner or what to wear is a big task. then i start to think about other people opinion of me. this is the suck-est part. i start to think of this and that, is that person hate me, or do they despise me, or should i do this to them, or should i not, and these thinking drives me crazy!

.......... >__<

otherwise i'm fine, just a bit of a cold, no worry, paracetamol + ibuprofen and a warm bath should most likely to cover that. my tips would be to use listerine before and after you sleep, as this helps clearing the accumulated phlegm in your throat. and yeah, put some extra blanket when you sleep, and wallah! you'll be fine. altho i still got some yellow phlegm but no wheeze (:p auscultated myself..) so i'm fine (so not a good practise ha ha).

anyway, i'm struggling with my revision. again, holiday sucks!! i'm hoping to finish surgery revision this weekend before mama's arrival on thursday, but i doubt it. got no motivation whatsoever. got a few small topics to cover in surgery before i can start the rotation revision: paeds, obs & gynae and psychiatry. nadine's advice is to finish all the big topics 1 month before the final, i've got 8 weeks b4 finals, meaning 4 weeks to finish all the revision.. arghhhhhhh

guess i have to do some revision now. this week's revision: hernia and vascular surgery, ie the last 2 topics in surgery. i also need to tidy up the breast notes and some other bits. some say medicine is a waste, unlike some other courses that can bring more satisfaction and income. some say that medicine is a no-brainer, all you need to do is open your book and read and try to memorise them. fine. try that for 1001++ topics (i do mean that literally), plus the forever changing guidelines, and see if you can do it. and medicine is not all about knowledge, it involves skills as well. another 1001++ skills for you to master. what i'm trying to say is that please dont try to patronise other courses. i'm not saying that medicine is the best and greatest course in the world because it is NOT, and i myself is not their biggest fan, but i would not let other people says bad things about it and try to bring it down. i admit i let people do this in the past in front of my face, but now it's time for me to stand by it. medicine is my world, and it's going to stay that way for a long time and no one would say any condescending talk about it in front me, got it?

i can feel a flu is coming... noooOOOooooOOoooOOOooo

awat la flu nak dtg time2 nih

nevermind.. altho i despise seeing the doctor, but i like to self-diagnose and self-medicate :p so i'll have all the tablets i have tonight muahaha then pengsan tido and so hopefully tomoro i'll be much better ha ha surely my liver is healthy and will be able to cope with it ha ha it's not that i do this everyday ha ha see i try to justify my action again without even realising it.. this felt stupid....

guess what, mr eczema decided to come and flare up as well.. arghhhhhhh

weeeee easter holiday has started =D

but i still need to go to hosp for another week :`(

ah nevermind. now is not the time to complain! another 9 weeks (!), that is 61 days (!!!) to go before finals so there's no time to waste (gagagagaga...)

change topic, like, NOW

happy weekend everyone. how time flies. before i know it, it's the end of march already. huh? what happen in march? what did i do for the last few weeks? curious curious.. hmm

mama is coming in 12 days time! weeeeeee tak sabar tak sabar. she will be in the uk for about a week, and only 6 days in newcastle, and i plan to make full use of it. dah organised almost everything, so hopefully everything will be as planned. the most important thing is to spend as much time with her, and make her trip enjoyable. eeee tak sabar lagi seminggu setengah!

just received my graduation pack last week, and i have to give my answer before may. so, to attend or not to attend? hmm... i cant see the point of attending the graduation without the presence of my family. but i have never graduated before (well taiping and kmys graduation dont count, ok) so of course i want to wear the robe, the hat and go to the stage to pick up my scrol. hmm.. let just apply the theory of Utilitarianism, shall we? (ha ha boring boring, skip if you want ha ha). 'the greatest happiness' theory that determines the rightness or wrongness of an action. it also consider the intensity, duration and certainty of the value of the happiness and unhappiness experienced by those who are affected by it. so here goes..

to attend:
i'll be happy, my family will be a bit happy cos they will get a picture of me wearing the robe and holding the scrol. azali also wants me to attend, ellina too, some of my collegues too, so they will be happy. but their intensity wouldnt be that high, i think, not compared to mine, becos it's my graduation kan. also to consider: my unhappiness. becos of the absence of my beloved family. the graduation will be on wednesday, so nad, ct or shanti, or my other good friends will not be able to attend too. my scholarship runs until at the end of june, and the graduation is on mid july, so i would be a bit unhappy regarding money. my unhappiness from the absence of my family and friends and money would be MORE than my happiness from attending my first, and maybe last, graduation. imagine my unhappiness is -10, then my happiness is +6, so if you add up, it's -4, ie unhappy as the result, see? then i add up with everyone's else happiness (+2), so the final result is -2. so.. if i choose to attend, the total consequences would be unhappiness. but will it be lesser in intensity if i choose NOT to attend the graduation?

not to attend:
ok, i'll be happy too, since i'll be able to fly home ASAP and meet up with azali and my family and eat, eat and eat in malaysia. the intensity if compared to happy attending the ceremony? hmm.. i would say the same (imagine happiness of attending +6 and happiness of not attending +6). i desperately want to go home, but i'll be going back home for good anyway, so 2,3 weeks late wouldnt cause any harm. money will be good, so i'll be happy. i'll be able to leave newcastle and uk for good, so i'll be happy too. no word can describe how muaknye duduk kat uk ni for the last 7 years. i'm so desperately wanting to leave and go back to my home and start the next stage in life ie marriage, family, children etc. anyway, back to my dilemma..

so.. for now i've decided that NOT attending would make me MORE happy then attending the graduation. it's easier to view this in numbers, i think. like, imagine the happiness of me not attending is +6, then the unhappiness of me not attending is -4, so it adds up to +2, meaning i'm happier not attending, see? now i need to consider unhappiness, mine and others. of course i would be sad, but as i said before, my unhappiness of NOT attending would be LESS (-4), compared to the intensity of happiness for attending (+6). i think my family would be sad too, a bit, but to be honest, i dont think they care, as long as i pass my exam and come home safely. azali would be sad, this one i'm a bit confused, he really REALLY wants me to attend, but he also really wants me to come home asap. -0.5 maybe? anyone else that will feel unhappy for me not to attend the graduation? hmm my friends would be a little tiny bit unhappy, but to be honest they wouldnt miss me if i'm not there. so another -0.5 maybe? so.. conclusion? +2 -0.5 -0.5 = +1 ie NOT to attend the ceremony would bring MORE happiness than unhappiness.

so the final conclusion: unhappiness if i attend (-2) + happiness NOT to attend (+1) = (-1) ie attending the graduation will bring me unhappiness. ta da! easy. but this decision may change with time and circumstances. like, if suddenly my mum says that she wants me to attend the graduation, then i would definitely be going (imagine her happiness intensity is +2, then the final result would be different, kan?) or if one day i see the graduation robe, like somewhere, anywhere, and suddenly i feel like i would very much like to attend the ceremony, and if that happiness's intensity would be MORE than unhappiness of me attending, then i will attend. ha ha pening?

ok ok, i need to continue revising. this weekend revision topic: urology and breast. ha ha 'interesting' topic huh? surgery is not as bad as i thought. long live surgeons!

not sure what to write and it's been a week since my last entry so i thought i could think of something and jot a line or two. i'm sure i dont have a problem with that heheh

so... what happen since last week? hmm.. typical routine... wake up at half 6 everyday, reach hosp at 8, yada yada hosp work yada yada then come back at 5ish. boring stuff... not even worth mentioning. i'm so in the holiday mood. nak cuti!! everyone else in the uni have already started their easter hols and they've got 4 weeks for that wherelse mine starts next week and consists only 2 weeks. sigh... but i'm not complaining! ha ha. but seriously i need a break!

weh i got to go. ct just called and asked whether i would like to join her to go to tesco, like in 15 minutes time. yee haa! tu je la excitement kat sini... a trip to tesco. ha ha. guess ellina will be joining as well. housemates trip! ye ye. byee...