My World

it can be so stressful nowadays. there were good days, and there were bad days. and some days were really really bad, that i think it would just be better if i would just die and leave this world. i know those who took their own lives would never be forgiven, but on these really, really bad days, you just couldnt take it anymore.

first i would think of how i was going to do it. cut the wrist? pcm overdose? i thought off jumping off a building would be a great one, well that was at least 4, 5 years ago when i hit my first deep s**t pit. but this time i thought of hanging myself would be ideal. imagine my roomate came back from class and found me hanging dead. pity her haha most probably she would be traumatised for the rest of her life. bless her soul, cos i dont think i dislike her.

then i started to think. fine, i'll be dead and off to the next world and already know where is my final destination would be so my story ends there. and what about the other people? hmm the first person i could think of was hubby. i know he loves me, but would he cry for me? for leaving him? for commiting suicide? he's one tough guy, i'm sure he would handle it. i think he would carry on eventually, found another girl and remarry. not that i left him with any child(ren) to take care of.

this one i'm pretty sure is going to happen. mum will go mad. confirm. she has a fragile emotion, even when she left my dad she was like, 3 quarter insane. i'm sure she would not forgive me for leaving this world before her, but hey, i already know where i'm heading, so no use in getting a mother's forgiveness eh? anyway, i think my dad would carry on too, eventually, he got like 3 + 3 other children to look after. my sis? she i could not predict, for she tends to keep things to herself. i could never predict her emotion. i think she would be shock, and sad, more than anyone else, but besides that i'm not sure. while my two other brothers i think they will carry on with their life, eventually. arent guys always like that?

i'm not particularly close to any of my friends, in other words, i dont have any best friend, who i think would miss me when i leave this world. which is fine with me, so now i have less people to worry about.

then i remember maisarah. what will happen to her? obviously she wouldnt remember me, what i mean is that what will the future hold for her? will she excel in school? what will be her course in the university? and i would never see her smiley face or hear her voice calling me 'acik nina...'. i think i'm going to miss her.

what about hubby? all this while i could only think of how his response will be if i leave him, and what about me? how will i be now that i dont have him in my life? suddenly there is an ache in my heart. my memory. my happiness. his love. our love. all will be gone.

then i think of our future children. those whom i (believe to) promise to be their mother. what will they be? will they ever be born?

then i started to think of those small, silliest stuff, like how i would miss the sky, the bright blue sky. and the rain, the cold wet rain. and also my turtles, i think they're going to be orphans and no one would want to adopt them after i die and most probably they will be abandoned to fend for themselves. like how i'm going to miss chocolate, i'm sure they dont have chocolate in hell. and the smell of fresh red roses, and the smell of freshly laundered clothes, and the smell of freshly baked cake, and the voice of maisarah, and her face and her smile. and i'm going to miss most is seeing the face of my other half, who smiles at me, while holding my right hand firmly with his left hand, his smell, his warmth, his kindness, his love..

how sad. you dont realise how precious your life are until you (think of) lose (ing) it.

to my sweet sister, for your words of encouragement and your confidence in me, i wont leave you, not until Allah decides to take it Himself.

to my loving mama, who tried your best to understand me and for your unconditional love.

to my lovely, lovely niece, maisarah, do grow up to be fine lady and make me proud.

to my future children, have faith in me and we shall meet soon and i shall shower you with all my love.

to my heart and soul, the rock of my life, be there for me like you always do, and that is the only thing i'm asking from you.

finally to my dearest, dearest God, for having so much faith in me and giving so many chances to prove myself as your humble servant, and i shall only meet you when you decide it is time for me to return to you.

ps:/ no, this is not a suicidal note, it is more of a reflection of a suicidal-prone soul.