My World

went back last weekend. it was a last minute decision. couldnt make up my mind up till the last minute. the consequence? a whooping over the roof flight ticket price. there was no way for me to drive. it would take too much of my time, plus i didnt have the energy and spirit for the 7-hour drive.

it gave a mixed result.

i was happy to be home. everyone was there. including little maisarah n harith. their mum got pregnant again (lol) despite being on iucd. joke of the week: such 'combat' sperms my brother has haha. the baby is due in october, so it would be a one-year gap between the baby and harith, who was born in january 2009. maisarah on the other hand was born on july 2007. anyway, everyone gave a helping hand on the young family. from now on, they will spend the weekend over my mum's house in ampang, to give my sis-in-law some respite.

being with hubby was like being in a never-ending cloud nine. all the time it was always 'la la la'. well, not always, had a couple or two tear sessions when i could not bear the tension of the finals, and he, as always, lend his shoulders for me to cry on. i was so happy being with him, in such that i become afraid of losing him. you know that you cant be too happy as almost always sadness is lurking behind? i had to constantly remind myself to not be too happy when i am with him. sad isnt it? when you had to constraint yourself from being too happy. such a sad way of living..

i have to earn my happiness

i have to fight for my happiness

it can be so stressful nowadays. there were good days, and there were bad days. and some days were really really bad, that i think it would just be better if i would just die and leave this world. i know those who took their own lives would never be forgiven, but on these really, really bad days, you just couldnt take it anymore.

first i would think of how i was going to do it. cut the wrist? pcm overdose? i thought off jumping off a building would be a great one, well that was at least 4, 5 years ago when i hit my first deep s**t pit. but this time i thought of hanging myself would be ideal. imagine my roomate came back from class and found me hanging dead. pity her haha most probably she would be traumatised for the rest of her life. bless her soul, cos i dont think i dislike her.

then i started to think. fine, i'll be dead and off to the next world and already know where is my final destination would be so my story ends there. and what about the other people? hmm the first person i could think of was hubby. i know he loves me, but would he cry for me? for leaving him? for commiting suicide? he's one tough guy, i'm sure he would handle it. i think he would carry on eventually, found another girl and remarry. not that i left him with any child(ren) to take care of.

this one i'm pretty sure is going to happen. mum will go mad. confirm. she has a fragile emotion, even when she left my dad she was like, 3 quarter insane. i'm sure she would not forgive me for leaving this world before her, but hey, i already know where i'm heading, so no use in getting a mother's forgiveness eh? anyway, i think my dad would carry on too, eventually, he got like 3 + 3 other children to look after. my sis? she i could not predict, for she tends to keep things to herself. i could never predict her emotion. i think she would be shock, and sad, more than anyone else, but besides that i'm not sure. while my two other brothers i think they will carry on with their life, eventually. arent guys always like that?

i'm not particularly close to any of my friends, in other words, i dont have any best friend, who i think would miss me when i leave this world. which is fine with me, so now i have less people to worry about.

then i remember maisarah. what will happen to her? obviously she wouldnt remember me, what i mean is that what will the future hold for her? will she excel in school? what will be her course in the university? and i would never see her smiley face or hear her voice calling me 'acik nina...'. i think i'm going to miss her.

what about hubby? all this while i could only think of how his response will be if i leave him, and what about me? how will i be now that i dont have him in my life? suddenly there is an ache in my heart. my memory. my happiness. his love. our love. all will be gone.

then i think of our future children. those whom i (believe to) promise to be their mother. what will they be? will they ever be born?

then i started to think of those small, silliest stuff, like how i would miss the sky, the bright blue sky. and the rain, the cold wet rain. and also my turtles, i think they're going to be orphans and no one would want to adopt them after i die and most probably they will be abandoned to fend for themselves. like how i'm going to miss chocolate, i'm sure they dont have chocolate in hell. and the smell of fresh red roses, and the smell of freshly laundered clothes, and the smell of freshly baked cake, and the voice of maisarah, and her face and her smile. and i'm going to miss most is seeing the face of my other half, who smiles at me, while holding my right hand firmly with his left hand, his smell, his warmth, his kindness, his love..

how sad. you dont realise how precious your life are until you (think of) lose (ing) it.

to my sweet sister, for your words of encouragement and your confidence in me, i wont leave you, not until Allah decides to take it Himself.

to my loving mama, who tried your best to understand me and for your unconditional love.

to my lovely, lovely niece, maisarah, do grow up to be fine lady and make me proud.

to my future children, have faith in me and we shall meet soon and i shall shower you with all my love.

to my heart and soul, the rock of my life, be there for me like you always do, and that is the only thing i'm asking from you.

finally to my dearest, dearest God, for having so much faith in me and giving so many chances to prove myself as your humble servant, and i shall only meet you when you decide it is time for me to return to you.

ps:/ no, this is not a suicidal note, it is more of a reflection of a suicidal-prone soul.

• oscar is tonight! wah cant hardly wait! i dont actually mind who wins what, to be nominated for an oscar is an honour on itself, but it's the red carpet dresses, makeups n hairdos that i am looking forward to! mueh mueh mueh no doubt i'll be browsing the internet tomoro morning. alas! i'm oncall tomoro!
• finally bought kenchi n kouru's new house! it's now as spaceous as it can be, mane taknyer, it's the biggest portable pet container there is in that pet shop. you'll have to get an aquarium or a pond itself to get a bigger place for those turtles. i hope they're enjoying it... if not sia2 nyer abis my rm32 huh
• i'm now a competent driver licence holder. yup, no more P car sticker for me! although actually i havent got the guts to take off those stickers heheh people tend to treat P car driver nicely meh..
• finals are less than 4 weeks away! no word can describe my current emotion. like when last weekend i cried uncontrollably while at the surau. abis semue org nampak. buat malu org jer huh
• i have joined a study group! wee hee! and i'm enjoying it. although it's kinda late haha the group already had meetings like many months ago, and i sheepishnye asked each member for their permission to join their group. and surprisingly enough, i enjoyed the last 2 sessions that we had on the weekend n i'm looking forward for next one
• on the same note, because of the study group i think i wont be able to go back anytime before the exams. takpe lah, after the exams i'll be spending my time with them sampai muak2 tgk each other face hahah. so if everything goes as plan, this would be the longest i'll be away from home since i came here (walaweh.. study at uk doesnt count la weh), a total of 6 weeks! although hubby, n mum, volunteer to come anytime should i need any support or anything
• love the new song by alicia keys' 'try to sleep on a broken heart' and timberland feat. katy perry's 'if we ever meet again'. so catchy!
• suddenly craves for smoked salmon. sadly i couldnt find it anywhere here huhu. even cooked salmon also cannot find. in tesco there is raw salmon, so should i just cook it myself using hubby's multipurpose cooker? and risk making my 3x4 metre square room smells like fish for the whole week? i dont think so
• more and more broody each day. nape lah tak pregnant2 lagi nih huh. one thing for sure, Allah knows what is the best for you, no matter how much you think otherwise. enough said
• what for dinner tonight? everything tastes dull nowadays. have to ask hubby almost every night for his opinion, and eventually his decision, on what to eat. for me that is, who is almost 500km away from him. no wonder he's annoyed ahaks