My World

just came back from my weekend break to kl. as usual, am having a post-holiday blues.. a mini one.

am currently listening to fly fm. not sure how but they play mostly unplugged songs tonight, with such a good selection of songs. and no dj at all. i think it started at least this evening, cos i remember when my friend picked me up at the airport, there at the radio they played such a good lists of songs with no dj at all, so i asked him whether he had any cd on. he said nope and then i checked the radio and it was fly fm. mostly were slow songs, some unplugged, mmg best hihi.

anyway, the reason i blog tonite is to share with you something that i encountered on my way back here. it was while i was on the airplane, and there sat a woman next to my sit. she must be in her 50s, at least, but with heavy mascara on, scarf ala2 mak datin or to be precised, like siti nurhaliza ie half the rambut are out with jambul besar gile. anyway, it's not the appearance that intringed me, it was the person herself.

let me give an intro first. when i travel, i dont speak to strangers. i aint friendly. period. that's just the way i am, just let me be. when i think about it, i think there's 2 reasons why i behave that way: first, becos i seriously dont (fucking) care about other people's life haha, about how many children you have, about how your political views are etc. although i dont mind talking about the weather, if you know what i mean, ie i dont mind talking about superficial stuff.

second, i dont like to tell to a total stranger about my life. my life's too complicated, not to mention private, to be told to any strangers. plus not everyone would understand how my life had turned out like it is. plus i dont think people would believe. plus i dont think people would want to listen to my story. so, for all these reasons, i strongly prefer to just keep quiet throughout the journey. i usually play with my psp, or listens to my mp3, or read a magazine or a story book.

so, as you can already predicted, this old lady who sat next to me was the kind that liked to talk. normally, i do have such a soft spot for the elderly, i dont mind listening to their stories, providing they dont ask me with too many questions. this old lady did not asked me that many question, but boy, she did like to talk about herself and her life. but it was the contents of her talk that annoyed me a bit. takpelah elly, it's an old lady after all, why not you give her a slack? i wish.

first she talked about her family. on how well connected she was with this person and that person. sorry old lady, i aint know this person or that person, no matter how hard you try to explain. especially if it's someone in politics, ie one of the 2 things i hate most in this world, so no use you wasting your breathe trying to tell me about this person and that person.

then she started to talk about how well her children turned out to be. went to this uni and that uni, became this and that. look at me, do i look interested to know who is who and who becomes who in your family? was it intended to give me some sort of inspiration by telling me all this? all this made me remember; my roomate and even my old roomates' mothers also talked and talked about how well their children turned out to be, to me (?). what is on my face or what? i know they are proud, as mothers, that their children ended up at universities, but why telling it to me, si budak2 yg almost the same age as their children? i can understand if they want to tell to their peers, ie kaum si mak2, but why me?

all my siblings went to the uni, but do i make an announcement about it? no.

then she started to talk about her trip to this and that, how cold it was this and there. and when i showed no surprise at all, she started to elaborate more and more, as if trying to convince me that it was really really cold out there at the other part of the world. yes old lady, i do understand what you're trying to explain to me, on how cold it was this and there, being myself lived this and there for literally 12 years of my life. do i make an announcement about it? no.

then she started to talk about the importance of having a 'kabel', if you know what i mean. to know this person and that person. to keep in contact with this person and that person, so that you can earn this and that. my dad is a ceo and earns more than 20k per month and he has no so-called 'kabel' or whatever, do i make an announcement about it? no.

then she started to talk about politics. and races. malay and non-malay. and that we malays should do this and that, and shouldn do this and that.

and she also started to talk and talk about so many other things, but my brain already switched off after 10 minutes. whatever lah old lady, you talk all you want, i'll pretend to listen to you out of my respect to you as an old lady. i wouldnt want to be rude by telling you that not everyone is like you. not everyone like to share their story to every stranger who sits next to them. not everyone likes politics. not everyone likes to gain as many 'kabel' as they can. not everyone want to use their friends and acquintances for themselves. not everyone is as naive and useless as you thought they would be.

oklah, i think my head is switching off. thanks for reading. and seriously, i dont (fucking) care about any story of any stranger sitting next to me. good night

tired (more like bored hihi) of my revision, i think i'll spend some time updating my blog.

actually i dont have a specific topic to blog about. here are some random updates of myself..

i'm on my 3rd day of diet. yup, i'm on a diet, it was actually an impulsive thing to do, i didnt plan to diet. but then with the finals are fast approaching and my stress level easily goes up to the roof at any time of the day, i think i ought to do something to get my mind off the final. i need to have one some kind of 'sideline' project to occupy my mind, without actually neglecting my current major one ie the finals. so i decided to diet (..what kind of 'sideline' project is that lol).

i never tried this kind of diet before. it's called the oat diet (i named it myself hihi). all that i need to do is to have oat as breakfast and lunch, at 5 tablespoons each. i was surprised to find that oat can actually be eaten like rice, with all the side dishes. well, the view aint great, but actually the taste aint that bad. and i have the leisure to eat whatever i want for dinner, obviously in moderate amount. it's best to avoid rice, but i was told if i really want to have rice i can have it, cos it's not good to suppress our appetite, as it can lead to bulge eating.

so today it's my 3rd day of dieting, and so far so good. oat is so filling, yet with little calories. i also started to jog yesterday. the key is not to over-exhaust myself. i used to be a keen long-distance runner, but then it's the after-effect that brought me down. i was so tired i couldnt study, along with my legs so lembik. and almost always the next day i could not get out of the bed and then couldnt take the stairs. so this time around, i just jog leisurely. and i do stop when i think it's time to stop, altho actually i can run a bit more.

anyway, i think i ought to give this diet + exercise a try for one month. a friend told me that she lost about 5kg in a month, and another friend said that her mum lost 1kg per week, so i think it's fair to have a certain duration limit. then, if after a month i couldnt see any difference, then i'll stop and then try to think of another side-project for my mind to occupy. so no pressure at all. and i'm beginning to enjoy the oat too ;)

will be going back to kl this wednesday. managed to get the rest of the week off, so it's going to be an extended weekend. the aim is to drive and accompany my bro for his chemo session on thursday and friday. hubby also take the day off too for the same purpose. in difficult time like this, we should gather and provide supports to each other.

i wont be driving to kl this wednesday, mama thought i shouldnt waste precious time on driving, so she bought me flight tickets. she is right. in total, if i'll be driving back and forth from uni to kl, it would take not less then 14 hours. and that's quite a lot of time to spend behind the wheels, when i should actually spend on my books. so, thank you mama for the thoughtfulness.

oklah, i think that's enough. time to go back to the notes. enjoy the weekend :)

i've decided that today is a good day to blog.

today has been a fair one. nothing much happened. nevertheless i'm feeling much relax today. maybe it's the weekend.

ok, first thing first.

happy new year. farewell 2009, welcome 2010.

i think it's fair enough for me not to have any new year's resolution this year, since there's still previous years' (!) resolutions that need to be fulfilled. and for someone in my age, this new year resolution does not make sense anymore. oh yes, i feel old. this year, i'm going to hit the big 3-0, and obviously i aint feel good about it. enough said.

much happened in 2009. my honeymoon to bali. the birth of my nephew. my parents separation. my sis's illnesses. and the latest one is my lil bro's cancer, and he's due for chemo sessions in 2 weeks time. well, technically that is this year, but he was diagnosed at the end of last year, just a few days shy from the new year.

this year? this year's going to be the making or breaking of my future. that's why i'm kinda stressed at the moment. i dont like being stressed, nor do i like being depressed. unfortunately, there's only a vague line between those two. a few months ago some people asked me why did i look so calm and relax compared to others, and i myself know the answer. it's because i hate being stressed, and i try my best not to be stressed. because when i'm stressed, i dont think i'm a nice person, and i mean that. all the time, i feel like to shout to everyone. yes, i do wear facemask when i go out and meet people (not real facemask you fool) and try my best to smile and greet people like i normally do, but that facemask of mine is not that perfect. there were a few times when i just snapped.

so, my point is, life is not that great nowadays. i'm stressed. and i aint a good person when i'm stressed. and the worst thing is that i cant study a damn thing when i'm stressed. i can try, but nothing goes in. nil. which makes me more stressed.

i hate being stressed.

bloody moody

rase nak maki org je

even better if i could just kill someone

really hate the last posting. damn glad it's over

need to restrain myself from bitching. moody + bitching = so so not good

need to face-masking for one more day. not literally, you idiot

really really have this urge to go and strangle and stab someone. damn i left the one and only knife at the previous posting flat

well god's work has many ways..

just one more day elly.. just one more day before you can shut yourself from the world

today has been a good day, so naturally i feel the urge to write and blog. i wont write about my day, but this is something that i've been wanting to write about for some time.

one of the blogs that i regularly visit wrote on 30 facts about her husband on her husband's 30th birthday. so i thought it would be a nice thing to write about. this friend's friend's blog is a pretty one, and her english command is very good, and that's the main reason why i like to visit her blog. plus from her blog, i can imagine that she's a very nice lady.

anyway, here goes, i've been thinking about the 29 things about my hubby for quite some time. btw, his birthday was on the 25th of november, so happy belated birthday hubby :)

1) hubby was born at machang, kelantan. he's very proud to be a kelantanase, and this annoys me a little bit as i myself dont have a specific place/state that i can called home (born at kedah and was brought up in many, many places). he knows about this, so he likes to tease me every now and then, and said silly, unthinkable, impossible stuff like 'kat kelantan mane ade nyamuk!' when i complained about the mosquitoes while at kelantan

2) he went to sekolah sains selangor at cheras from form 1 til form 5. he was the best spm student in his batch

3) he went to university of warwick, uk under petronas scholarship where he studied computer engineering (but i forgot his minor! sory honey..)

4) hubby is not a fussy person, especially in terms of his meals. he eats whatever i cook, and he also doesnt mind if we eat out, like every day. he doesnt have any particular fav food, anything i serve on the table he will eat it haha

5) he loves his family so much, especially his mother. i couldnt understand it at first, but after knowing his mother aka my mother-in-law, now i can understand why hubby loves this very warm-hearted woman, who is so kind and loving, and treats me like her own daughter. she is a great woman and now i love her like my own mother

6) hubby's secret passion is to comb my hair (hihi). he would carefully brush my newly washed hair so carefully, like combing a doll's hair haha. one reason why i keep my hair long..

7) when i first met him, he was about 65kg, and was quite fit. now he weighs about 85kg hihi. not that it bothers me as i would still love him no matter what his size is, but i'm kinda worried about his health

8) he doesnt like crocs, no matter how much i promote it to him, i even offered to buy him one, but he refused it flat

9) he is actually a good cook, but quite a messy person at the kitchen, and that's the main reason why i keep him away from the kitchen!

10) he is very brave and doesnt believe in ghosts. but he does believe in politics which is one of the things i dont like about him huh. no one's perfect huh, not that i was trying to find one

11) he used to play football/futsal a lot, but then he injured one of his knees (forgot which one! hihi) + gained some weight, so he doesnt play sport anymore. but he does jog every now and then

12) he doesnt mind spending on beauty products. for me, mind you haha. whenever my cleanser, or moisturiser, or toner, or compact powder etc abis, i would just mention it to him and he will buy it for me. he even pays for my facials. he really stresses on having a clear, pimple-free face for his wife. which is hard for me, cos my skin is not the easiest to take care of.. but i do try my best huh

13) he's very (9999x) passionate about 2 things in this world: cars and computers. he would miss his meals, ignored any phone calls, tak mandi, tak makan when he's 'in the zone' with his computers or his beloved car. i think he would also ignore if there's a naked lady laying in front of him if he is in the middle of doing his obsessed work huh

14) i just discovered about this like very recently, that he likes to match the colour of his shirt with mine. which is so unexpected! apparently he has been doing this for a long time, it is just me who didnt realise it before. like if i wear red shirt, he would find a red shirt to wear it also. and he'll wear orange if i wear orange too haha

15) hubby is the least romantic person that i know of, which is totally fine with me as i'm also a non-romantic person and doesnt like jiwang2 stuff. but he does like to surprise me every now and then, and this pleases me tremendeously hehe

16) he likes music, but doesnt actually play any musical instrument. he listens to a variety of music, a wide range one too, varying from rocks and pops, to dondang sayang haha

17) did i mention that he's very2 good with computers? he does like computers a lot, and he owns a computer engineering degree, but he is also naturally talented with computers. his friends would send him computers and laptops for him to fix, and he would be more than happy to do it for free

18) he worries about me, but he also knows that i hate people, especially him to worry about me, so he tends to not show his worries in front of me

19) he's the only person in the world who can handle me, and gives advices that i actually listen to. that's a very very rare ability indeed

20) he's very good with children, which is quite the opposite of me haha. he can layan children better than me, and he can layan children's karenah easily. i think now we know who would be the one who wakes up in the middle of the night to tend our crying child haha

21) according to him, he said he used to have girlfriends before knowing me, but he never mentions anymore than that, no matter how hard i try. he said i was his first serious gf and the first to be brought home and introduced to his family. i dont care much about his past anyway, so not knowing his past gfs doesnt bother me much

22) he owns 2 cactuses that he takes good care of. he doesnt owns any pet though, and i think he is never a fan of pets anyway. but now he has to like pets, as i plan to take care of my two adopted turtles as long as they live! hihi

23)he owns one of the most perfect natural eyebrows ever, i tell you. it's my favourite of the many features that i like about him. mmg perfect, symmetrical, takyah nak pluck2, mmg elok aje bentuknye i tell you huh

24) he likes me to dress up and wears make-ups, which is ok for me since i like it too. and he would comment on the dress i wear if he thinks it's not suitable for the occasion, which i find it odd, cos he himself is not a fashion-concious person, but when it comes to me, he would prefer for me to wear nice things. which is fine with me as i can now have excuses to buy more nice clothes or even better, ask him to buy me more! haha

25) he trusts me a lot, and gives me a lot of freedom. like he allows me to pursue my ambition, allows me to drive alone at night, allows me to make many, many decisions by myself. which is why i love him even more. i do need my space

26) most of his clothes were bought with me. like i mention, he's not a fashion-concious person, and he prefers to leave all the fashion-related decision to me. this i dont like. cos i'm not very good with male fashion. it's like an alien terratory, cant compared with female's fashion at all

27) he sometimes calls me 'tapir', and i call him 'monyet'. there's a story behind the names, but it would be too long to write it here hehe

28) one of his first present to me was a gray teddy bear, which i owns it till now. i bring this teddy bear to almost everywhere i go, even the flight journey to and forth kl-uk. but now the teddy, which i infamously named 'ismail', is a little abandoned since i got married, since now i got my own real-life teddy bear! tee hee hee

29) finally.. (run out of idea already) he and i got to know each other when we both went to the same a-levels college at lembah beringin. we didnt know each other existance initially, we only got to know after he joined my group for a camping trip. and the rest is history

oklah, this takes a lot longer than i previously anticipated. think i'll read a bit before heading to la la land. adios

no matter how tired and exhausted the body is, work is always a priority..

just came back from a 7-hour journey and go straight to work..

drove to kl this weekend, and yup, i was travelling alone. i almost always travel alone. dont think it bothers me much, well not as much as other people who seem to concern (bother/busybody) about me travelling alone huh

anyway, it wasnt a planned trip. poor youngest bro had an emergency operation to remove a certain cancer, and it was a malignant one. it was diagnosed last weekend. yup, people as young as their 20s can get cancer nowadays. poor him. the whole family was very worried. i was a bit sebak while driving down to kl on thursday, i told myself that no matter how far my family is, if they're in trouble and need my presence, i'll be there. 500km is nothing. i'll drive even if it's 1000 or 2000km. my family, my loved ones, they're always and will always be my priority.

i was always worried sick about my family when i was in the uk. my worst fear was that if there was anything bad occured to my family, i wouldnt have enough time to go back. the quickest i can get back would take me at least 24 hours, that is to arrange for the flight, even the flight alone takes at least 13 hours the quickest. imagine if anything bad, emergency, unplanned event occur to your family, and you couldnt be there on time. it would be the worst nightmare ever.

i guess those who never live that far apart from their loved ones wouldnt understand that.

that's why whenever my loved ones needed my presence, i'll drive/take the bus/flight or even run if i have to, to go back home asap. cos time is precious. you never know how long the time left that you have to spend with your loved ones before you or your loved ones' ajal arrive..

anyway, the operation went smooth and lil bro is now resting and recuperating in a hotel somewhere in kl, with my mum. my dad took care of everything, from the hosp bill to the hotel bill, although he couldnt be there personally (he's in china for work currently). lil brother went to see not one, but 2 specialists from 2 different private hosps for a fast and hopefully an accurate consultation. appointment was gained at the very same day and operation was done all within the same week. i cant help but to wonder how long the waiting list would be if he went to a government hosp. no, dont get me wrong, i think the government docs and hosps are as good and thorough as the private ones, but the waiting lists can be really long. not just the operation waiting list, but also the specialist appointment. at least it will take a few months. well, that's the reality, and it is no one's fault. the public aka the government hosps are still limited in terms of numbers compared to the population demands.

anyway, i should continue my work. penatnye badan! and also my eyes, my hands, my feet and also my mind and my soul.. i'm so exhausted...