My World

i'm back in kuantan. home sweet home! or more like, bed sweet bed! or room sweet room! cos i'm not sure anymore which is more home, ampang or kuantan. ampang becos i like it there being central to everything that i like ie civilisation, shopping complex and of course, my other half. kuantan becos my room is there, my clothes and all my possessions, but oh-so-far-away from civilisation haha.

anyway, i'll be back to ampang this weekend and plan to stay there for at least a week. got a job interview. in fact, 2 job interviews at the same place. it will be a good experience. one is an admin job, the other is a teaching post to teach pre-u college students. as i mention earlier, i'll go for the experience, i mean the 'interview' experience. but organic chemistry?? where is that damn book when i need it? my brain is so overloaded with biomedic stuff for god-know how many years, but i'm sure there is some chemistry somewhere in there. but organic chemistry?? better than electrochemistry i tell you, dont have a single clue what that means...

guess that's it for now. was quite sick last week, it was bad enough for me that i decided to drag my ass to see the docs (i hate seeing docs you see, dont ask me why haha). but i'm not complaining, especially since i lost some good 3kg since then! oh i feel a bit lighter hehe :D

finally i can sit down and relax a bit.

my bro jiman was discharged from ampang puteri hosp yesterday after spending 4 nights there. at the end it was dengue, as the doc predicted. thank god they gave him a week off work, so that he can rest and recover. now he's off to get some massage, and me stay at home with maisarah. i'm getting more attached to this child, she is so adorable, and cheeky as well, and i love her so much. but dont think i'm ready to have my own. noooo wayy. still got a lots of things to settle in my life. my complicated, tangled life. and i thank the almighty for that someone who is willingly to share my tears (and joy, eventually, i hope) and be part of my life and me be part of his life. ahaks! enough jiwang2 stuff, i'm really not good in this stuff hehe.

the big day is still a few months away, and being me, i like to do things early. at least i'm trying to. i know in the end it will still be kelam kabut haha. anyway the preparation has been alright, but i dont like it when people start to give advices when i didnt ask for any. i already know what i want, i really do, i've been engaged for nearly 4 years for god sake, of course i've got plenty of time to think of my dream wedding. but now people say i should do this and that, and should include this and that. stop it and buzz off! i'm not my sis nor my bro. and what's wrong with a simple wedding? 'oh no, you should include this and that becos it's the culture'. culture my ass! since when my family is into culture? i'm quite lenient right now to include a pelamin in my wedding becos it's my mum's wish, and i love and respect her enough to fulfill her wish. but it's the people other than my parents that are sibuk2 sangat. busy body! really really hate it when people start to butt in into my fucking business.

calm elly calm. this is not good for you. be calm.

you should be more open and at least ready to listen to any suggestion and advice. you dont have to accept them, just show more respect and listen.

think i should do that. more than one person told me that i'm stubborn. be calmer, and open, and less stubborn, and less defensive. the world doesnt evolve around me, you see.

calm calm

ok. think of that somebody, who has brought so much joy in your life.

*smile smile*

i'm going to see him this afternoon. HI HI HI.

ok, you can stop muntah hijau now haha. jiwang mode is SOO not me.

got to go. got to check on maisarah. she's sleeping now. oh yeah i got to mandi too. tara

i'm back in ampang. found it easy to solve and settle things. and i'm kinda busy at the moment.

first, preparation for the big day. finally! had bought a few things, like the laces, songket and of course the ring, and this weekend we are going to attend the compulsory kursus. enough said, just writing it make me smile from ear to ear!

second, my bro jiman has decided to fall ill while my parents and eldest sister are gone for umrah. talking about huge huge responsibility! he was admitted to ampang puteri hosp last night and my phone hasnt stopped ringing and receiving text messages since then. 'you are the ketua keluarga now and you will decide what you think would be the best for jiman and our family'. yikes! jiman has a fever since last week and the docs thought that maybe it is dengue. and the main concern at the moment is his blood result. his platelet level is dropping everyday altho physical wise he looks fine. last week in kuantan the docs there had given him some normal saline, and today he was given another 3 bottles of 500ml normal saline. he's not a confirmed dengue case, but the docs are puzzled with the platelet levels. and when i saw the whole blood result, his white blood cell count is dropping as well. this is quite worrying, but i know he is with the best of hands, altho i do hope mama and abah will return home soon!

so i'm helping out all i can. jiman's wife, meda, is the most tired of all. maisarah is just 10 months old and needs all the attention she can get, and she can be quite a handful sometimes, and now jiman is sick and stays at the hospital til god-know-when. luckily meda's parents live nearby and they are very helpful. plus ampang puteri hosp is just a stone throw away from our house, so that is making things easier as well. i can take care of maisarah and help with the house chores, and i'm glad they are here in ampang instead of kuantan.

anyway, i think this is enough for today. hope jiman will get well soon. and there goes the phone again, bet it's abah calling from mekah. bye!

i'm still in kl. i'm a bit bored.

someone is angry at me for being ignorant. huh. tell me how to deal with that.

everyone close to me knows that i can be really ignorant if i want to. guess he doesnt know about that. guess i dont know that he's very sensitive when talking about politics.

huh.

two things that i dont like in this whole world, more like i hate and dont believe in, are politics and business. everyone knows that. almost.

i know that sometimes being ignorant is wrong and unsuitable, especially since we're now living in this ever changing world. like the issue of recycling and global warming, i do play my part, like i choose to walk instead of taking a vehicle and choose a fan instead of an air-conditioner. but when people start talking about politics, i give up. i dont do politics. i think it's dirty and manipulative, although i also know that it's essential. and this is my belief and my opinion and i stand by it, AND i dont ask anyone to believe my belief, i dont force anyone to follow my opinion.

so i was quite annoyed when someone who knows me for years seems to be annoyed and angry with me for being ignorant about politics. and i didnt even mention the things above. i was just refused to join in the discussion and went silent.

before i start using abusive words, i think i should stop. i dont want the new calm and relax me, that i've been building up slowly for the past few months, to just fade away. it's not worth it.

okeh i've got 5 minutes to spare so here goes

i'm in kl at the moment. good news for someone, i hope. i myself prefer to stay in kuantan where i have my own room, my own bed. but kl at the moment is fine. weather is not too hot, so it'll be alrite. plus i've got to see that someone everyday, so it is alrite.

i had a good walk yesterday. i used to walk a lot when i was in the uk, but people in malaysia seldom, or never walk. weather factor i guess. plus the public transport is cheap too. and petrol is affordable as well. but i love to walk. good for my emotional and physical being. yesterday i walked from sogo, along jalan TAR then tembus semua house ke masjid jamek, then found my way to azali's office at menara olympia. it was a good walk i tell you.

i think i'm becoming more personal at the moment. it's hard for me to share my feeling and thoughts anymore with anyone. it used to be easy to just release it all, but not anymore. i now prefer to swallow everything and keep things to myself. and it's hard when people around you keep asking what's going on in my life. if it's anyone else, i'll say to just fuck off, but the thing is, it IS their business as well. and i found it really awkward and very VERY uncomfortable to bear my thoughts and feeling when i dont feel like doing it.

anyway, time's off. got to go.

hmm i think i should blog again.

or should i not?

i miss blogging. i miss pouring my heart out on my blog, not knowing who will read it, hoping that no one will read it, but knowing that that would be impossible.

i was also thinking of changing to a new blog address. tempting.. really tempting. i actually have thought of a new address, but i couldnt finalised my decision. some people would stricten (does this word exists?) their readers by asking for passwords and so, but for some reason i know i wouldnt like that. confusion confusion..

one other thing that i miss about blogging is writing. in english. i know my english is far from perfect, but i like writing in english. it just felt good. hmm donno why if you ask me. it also felt easier to express what you want to say (well, in this blog, write) in english.

i'll make up my mind in my next entry.