My World

..how fast time flows eh...and it's monday tomorrow. had a nice weekend, a relaxing one. i didnt do much, especially today when i know i have an extra hour to spare, as they begin to change to winter time. talked to my dear jiman and kak lysa this afternoon, it was good to talk to them. jiman is such a good brother, he never fail sending me kad raya + small presents every year. i am the closest to him after my mum, i know he looks up at me. kak lysa said that i was the only one in our siblings who can live together with jiman without getting to each other's nerves. maybe it was because we grew up together, went to school together or maybe because we are both Leos. dono, maybe we are just compatible.

everytime b4 my menstrual period, my emotion become unstable, ie pms la. sometimes i get annoyed so easily, the other time i get so riang gembire tak tentu pasal, and sometimes i just want to be left alone and dont want to talk to anyone. and sometimes i get too excessively emotional. that is what exactly happen to me right now. i was listening to lionel richie's Still when suddenly i burst into tears (...). i was doing my weekly food shopping the other day in Tesco and saw a bottle of milk and remembered kak lysa who really like milk and i got tears in my eyes. being in Tesco alone made me sad too, as me and azali tend to go shopping at Tesco in coventry. one simple thing leads to other events and so on and b4 i could control it, it happen. i dont know, i suddenly feel soo sad, i can even feel as if my chest remuk to thousand pieces, more or less like that lah. same thing happen to me whenever, wherever i see any old people. i just want to help them in any possible way. mind you, i didnt view them as those who need my help, but i just care about them soo much. overflowing emotion, i might say..

i always have a soft spot towards old people. i mean really old people, like 60++ in age. i dont know why, but they are the first group of strangers who i really care, genuinely (remember my 'i dont care, i dont want to care' blog? haha). one thing i like in medicine is that most of the patients are old people. i dont know, i just care about them. i can speak to them for hours, hear their stories and smile to them from the bottom of my heart. from their silver hair, nice rimmed glasses to their fluffy bedroom slippers, i like these people. their smell didnt bother me a bit. i think they are idols; to have lived to their age and survived this mad world, i salute them. i'm beginning to consider geriatric as my option in the future..

look, i do care about other people. i know my previous entry has been a bit harsh, but at least i was being honest. like oja said, i care about other people but i tend not to show it. and i like to be in control of my decision. i want to choose those who i want to care, and i want to decide whether they can care for me or not. like that annoying girl from my hospital group who i once wrote in this blog, she's ok actually, except that she assumed that we were best friends. i can accept the fact that we are friends, but please dont overdo it, terkinja2 want to be my friend, i seriously dont like that. i'm the kind of person who need to have my own space. and i choose my friends, sound a bit harsh huh. what if that chosen person dont want to be my friend? i'm totally fine with that, honestly, no hard feeling at all, as it's your decision. tak lose ape2 pun.

good nite everyone

i'm not sure what brings in on, but i think of my dear old friends a lot recently.

i went to my kampung's tadika kemas when i was 6 years old. it was a small tadika and i met my earlier friends there. there was a girl name yati, who was very manja. i found out one day that she didnt have a father and that she was the only child. her mother pampered her so much. and i was a natural nakal girl, i hate manja2 girl, tak cool huh. i remembered my mum forcing me to be friend with yati, but being a natural degil myself, i didnt like being friends with a manja+ngengada girl. i wasnt close to anyone, but there was a girl who was very smart in my class. she got short hair and a very slim body. she performed better than me, in many ways, and she got the 2nd place in the overall performance, while i only managed to get 5th. i respected this girl. 18 years later, i found out from my nenek that yati and the short haired girl had became teachers in my kampung's secondary school. i wasnt surprised with yati, but i thought the short-haired girl got much more potential than that. i know i cant judge her with her 6-year-old's performance, but i'm pretty sure about her potential. i couldnt help but thinking that if the short haired girl was born in a city, she would have a better future.

my family moved to kuantan soon after i finished my tadika. we stayed in a military camp for 4 years. there was even a primary school inside the camp. i met siti maslina, a very beautiful girl who got some mat saleh features in her. our mums were best friends and they expected us to click too. i liked her, she was nice, but i thought i was too ugly and comot to be her friend. i was indeed very comot and dirty, almost all the time. both of us had the same short name, 'nina'. to make it easier, everybody called me 'nina selamat' and her, 'nina alwi', based on our fathers' names. i met a girl named rina as well, our mums were best friends too, but rina was a very dependent girl. she would follow me everywhere, everytime. well, you see,i tend to get 'rimas' easily, and i told rina to stop following me. and she told her mum about this. the next morning her mum waited for her in the canteen during recess period. me and my selamba face haha. little did i knew that her mum reported me to my mum. apa lagi, balik rumah kene aa bantai. siti maslina is now taking masters in upm and rina is in uia taking accountancy. rina has an older sister named linda. linda was sooo smart, beautiful and soo popular as well. she got the top place in her year and became the head student as well. i went to linda's wedding last summer. she's now working as an accountant for petronas. i remember her lending me her barbie doll to play with rina :)

in the middle of standard 4, my family moved to ampang, kl and stayed there until i finished upsr. i didnt like ampang's girls. they were cruel people, tak tipu. they only hanged out with those who got something, like some big colour pencils, have a huge garden etc. i cant recall anyone who is significant. until very recently, thanks to the birth of broadband, i managed to keep in touch with a boy from my school. we were never in the same class, but he once wrote my autograph. last year's summer, hafiz went to the uk to visit her aunt and came to newcastle to visit me. a nice and shy guy. we didnt talk much back then, and last summer we talked a lot. it was nice to hear from him.

i had to live with my nenek in kampung for a year with kak lysa, as abah had to go to uk for his masters and brought along mama, jiman and iwan. i met zuhaila there, a typical kampung girl. beautiful, timid, hitam manis and never go out of her kampung. quite a proper girl, who speaks gently, plus proper manner too. she was a nice friend. we tried to keep in touch but lost somewhere in the middle, mainly because my family tend to move around a lot. but since she lives in my kampung where almost everyone is related, i managed to get some news about her. she tried to continue her study but stucked with her failed bm in spm. she's now married to a local guy. i'm pretty sure she has her own children now. hmm..think i'll ask nenek about her the next time i balik kampung.

then, we moved again, this time to butterworth, penang, and lived there for a year (sigh). i really like seberang perai. nice place, very cheap food and the people are just the best. they are very humble, and quite religious too. ha ha i can remember being the only girl who didnt wear tudung, in the whole school! dono how i coped with that. i met my first best friend, her name was chin mee ree. she was one of the best student, yet she was soo humble. i never knew any chinese who was as humble and kind as her. i never knew anyone who is equel to me. we studied together, hanged out together, went to shopping together. she was the first friend who i invited to my house. she was so sad when my family moved (again) to kuantan. we tried to keep in touch, but somehow it lost somewhere in the middle. i last heard from her several years ago, she went to study in dundee in engineering. we tried to meet up, but tak jadi, dono what happen. now i totally lost her. miss you, mee ree.

then, (sigh) i went to a chinese school in kuantan at the end of form 3. it was soo close to pmr, no school was dare enough to accept any new student. i went there for 2 months, took pmr and went to form4 for a while. the school was shocked for my result, with my history of moving around, they thought i had a bad record or something. i went to form4 for a while but then i was denied to enter 4science1. the school authorities gave me various lame excuses, but the true story was that they wanted all students in 4science 1 to be chinese (my form3 class was the 3rd class, you know). i was soo damn angry; with my result, i can choose any class. stupid school. racism. i didnt plan to go to any boarding school initially, but my form3 malay teacher had forced me to apply for mrsm just b4 pmr. although i can change to another school in kuantan, but my dad just received a new posting which is in kl (again). i know that by the middle of form4, my family will be moving out again. the only solution was to put me into a boarding school. so i went to mrsm taiping for 2 years and met most of my recent friends there. i didnt know that mrsm taiping was one of the best school in the country at that time, i went there because that was the only offer that i got. i remember how my parents were shocked when they heard the headmaster mentioned about this. if a normal secondary school aims to get a 100% pass in spm, in this school, the aim is to get 100% 12aggregates and below. gilo apo. cuak gile. i still got the shivers until now.

i didnt get close to anyone in particular while in taiping. me and my 'halimunan-ness' haha. i tend to hang out with a girl in my class, my deskmate actually and we lived in the same dorm. rozian is a jawa girl like me, and our kampungs are quite close to each other. she has a round face and is a down to earth person. very independent as well. we last met 2 years ago and i promised to invite her to my wedding and vice versa :)

to my dear old friends, i wish you the very best of luck in your future. thanks for being part of my life :) i miss you guys, wherever you are

**[spell your name backwards]
anaylle <--cool, i think

**[the story behind your email address]
there were 3 ellys back in college. 503 was the name my class

**[where do you live?]
a rented house in newcastle

DESCRIBE YOUR...
**[wallet]
black leather purse which mama bought for me last summer

**[shoes]
which pair?

**[favourite shirt]
a levi shirt from his and hers matching shirts. azali got 1 too :)

**[piercing]
right ear lobe

**[hair]
straight. you guessed it...rebonding aa

**[makeup]
lipstick. lancome has the best lipstick ever ever

**[something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]
mm..christmas hols maybe..nk cuti!!

**[something that you are deathly afraid of?]
pacat. worms.

**[do you believe in love]
a ha

**[do you believe in forgiveness]
yes but to forget is something else

**[where are 3 places you wouldn't mind relocating to]
anywhere in malaysia
anywhere near shopping complexes
anywhere near halal foods

**[favorite food?]
ayam kentucky yum yum

**[is there something you wish you could understand better]
life..why does it has to be complicated

**[my father thinks i am]
degil, moody, easy to talk to

**[my mother thinks i am]
degil, moody, good shopping partner

**[my siblings think i am]
degil, moody, perabih duit mama abah :p

**[best qualities]
dono..easy to talk to, maybe? but not when i'm in a bad mood lah

**[worst qualities]
degil + moody tahap 10 (both)

**[i get embarrassed when]
i cant find the word i'm trying to say. mental block

**[what makes me happy]
when my day is productive

**[upsets me]
seeing ninie

DO
**[you like to cook ]
yes

**[you have a secret you have not shared with anyone]
yup

LAST
**[song you listened to]
lionel richie's Still

**[person you've called]
azali

**[person that's called you]
rifit (my coursemate)

**[person u sms]
azali

**[TV show you've watched]
eastenders (soap drama..very popular woo in uk ahaks)

**[thing you were thinking about]
what to eat/cook after this

**[u think about suicide]
no comment

**[others find you attractive]
dono

DO..
**[you drink]
no

**[you like roller coasters]
nope. i wouldnt ride one even if you pay me

**[you write in cursive or print]
both

**[you carry a donor card]
no

**[you have a crush on somebody]
aha..one of my coursemate..so cute! hehe

**[lied to someone]
a ha

**[ever been in a fist fight]
yup. with my bro 10 years ago haha

**[ever been arrested]
no

WHAT..
**[shampoo do you use]
loreal kerastase

**[what do you notice first in a guy/girl]
their smile

WHO..
**[makes you laugh the most]
azali

**[has a crush on you]
budak kecik from sheff hahah

**[last time you did something]
something what?

**[last time you were totally free]
last easter and summer, my first break in 24 years

**[whats your favourite colour]
pink!! omg i helplessly in love with pink...sad isnt it

**[what are you planning to do tomorrow]
wake up at 9ish, do some reading (as if), gp surgery visit at 1.30pm until 5, buke posa, mandi, tgk tv, tido

it's 2am ish, early sunday morning and i'm well awake. think i should write something in my blog other than just my daily event.

selfish. that's what some people used to tell me. at least 2 of them are my good friends, who knew me better enough for me to respect their views. am i selfish? indeed i am. but..not that kind of selfish when you pijak other ppl's head for you to gain something high. my problem is that i dont care. i just dont care. and i dont want to care. just mind your own business and let other ppl mind their own business. simple. no busy-bodying, no gossiping. unless that person or that thing disturb me or my life, then i do mind.

eg: a girl in my group was busy talking (gossiping) about another girl in my group who has a very thin body and big boobs. i cant see any point of this. has the big-boob girl ever disturb the other girl? no. has the big-boob girl ever stole the other girl's bf because of her big boob? no. the big-boob girl maybe caught some extra attention from the boys, that's it. i think the other girl is just plain dengki. sukati big-boob girl tu la. if she wants a D or E cup pun, it's purely up to her. it's her life. it's her body. it's fate that you have a smaller-than-average boobs. why do you have to talk about other people?

well, as usual, bla bla bla i also talk about other ppl behind their back. that's because they had somehow disturbed me or my life. this one girl used to tell some guys who i like, that i like them. i have told her precisedly earlier, that i dont like to inform those guys. but she told them anyway. will i bitch about her? hell i will. but of course la after i confronted her. if it's just once, fine, maybe she slipped it out accidently. but 2nd time? confronted her, talked to her, marah her, bitch about her. ha ha cruel woo hehe. was it my fault for telling her at the first place? everybody have crushes. not serious at all. like 'i like that guy's hair' or 'i like that guy's smile'. and she assumed i like those guys and told them about it! BITCH.

back to my point... it works vice versa too. i dont like to care about other ppl, and i dont like ppl to care about me. my usual sentence will be

it's up to you. it's your life
dont ask question
who are you to ask me?

and i really hate ppl asking me

where have you been?

it's my life. if i go and jump the bridge, hell it's my choice.

if you want to go and jump the bridge, then do it. it's your life.

i dont care, and i dont want to care. selfish? i just want to do my own stuff without being questioned. i dont like giving explaination. i strongly believe that life is short. too short to need to give explaination for every single thing that i do or decide.

am i being strong-headed? yes i am. everybody knows i am degil. am i disturbed? not at all. i accept the fact that i am selfish and strong-headed. i cant understand why some ppl are so worried about having some 'negative' character in them. 'oh, i musnt feel good over my ex's misery', or 'I really don't understand how people can be so bitter'. hello, if that other people is so damn bad and proved to be bad, then why not? nk jadi good-good, sweet girl, who has a pure and innocent heart? ha ha bullshit. all ayu ppl out there, go and die.

it's a harsh blog, isnt it? my personal opinion. my personal prinsip. my life. my choice.

this week was very busy and tiring. busy + no food, that's fine with me, but all those adrenaline up and down, it made me sick. i went to bed early almost every night, i didnt even have time to talk to my fiance, lame tak borak panjang ngn die. this morning my mum told me that azali came to our house in ampang. it was thoughtful of him.

now where should i start? lots of things happened in these past few days..

monday - i dreamt something nice (again? why is this girl always talk about her dream? dono). well, everybody knows i miss my fiance (dhoh..why 'fiance'? you see, i dont like to write his name, i always prefer to refer him as 'monyet', but at the same time i know it's not appropiate..dono). i miss talking to him, being with him, going out with him, or even just looking at his face. that night i dreamt of being in secondary school again. it was a chinese school. there was this chinese hulk who treated me nicely. i couldnt remember his face, but that didnt matter, because he was so nice and treated me as if i was his gf. it turned out that i was indeed his gf! but nobody in the school knew about this (even me haha). this hulk (cool word isnt it?) thought it was the right time to declare our relationship to the public (like drama swasta la plak hehe). it turned out that this guy is the most popular + smart guy in that school. wah wah. bgn2 je, i couldnt help myself from smiling. i'm still tersengih2 right now :p. it was one of those rare moment when you felt like flowers in your heart....smile smile

tues - i had almost the same dream as the night before..except this time it was azali...REALLY-WIDE-KUASA-SEPULUH-EAR-TO-EAR-SMILE hihihihihihihihi
on this day as well, a really weird thing happened. i went to the hospital as usual in the morning and the morning session was soooo boring. i was seriously considering to skip the afternoon session, mainly just to go to town to have some window shopping instead. during the morning break, i read my newspaper and as usual, i read the horoscope part first. it wrote:

Leo
'There are two approaches to work that will succeed for you today; one sees you calling in sick and going shopping, the other involves staying quiet. You choose'

how weird was that? that was what exactly in my mind. cuak sat. 'this is too weird' i thought and...i cancelled my plan to skive the afternoon session..

wednesday - horrible. i got this review video session. 2 weeks ago i had this session of 'video recording' thingy which they recorded my interview with a patient. and today was the review session in which me and my other 5 groupmates got to watch the recorded video again and gave pro and cons about our communication skills. horror!! the session was ok actually, i did learn something useful but i hate seeing myself in the photo/video/whatever which shows my face arghhhhhh i just hate it soo much :(

thursday - a tiring day. but i got my first pay!! woohoo! my first ever pay. 75 quids. for 3 days job, 12 and a half hours work. easy money! what i'm gonna buy what i'm gonna buy..hmm..ayo..got to save it la babe..i need to start saving now...i dont have any kind of saving now..but i think a pair of knee-length boot will be ok kan elina :P

friday - finally friday arrived. went to see my tutor to ask him about my progress in the course so far and i got a very good and comforting feedback. bless him. guess i was just being too concious. but i know i need to work more more more! but not today hehe. today i cooked kuew teow goreng and baked chocolate cake! yum yum. i lost my appetite lately and had to force myself eating. that's why i cooked properly today. yum yum. tomoro i think i'm gonna make karipap yum yum. or/and some biskut raya maybe hehe.

so here i am, it's just past midnight. tomoro i'll go to work, maybe until 2-3pm. my initial plan is to go to the library after that, but then bile nk wat karipap and biskut raya tu? hmm..

oh forgot to mention, i got 5 day-off, till next wednesday! woohoo!

i'm not very well today. i didnt have enough sleep last night, i couldnt sleep after sahur. i usually can sleep with my tummy full, but last night (or morning, it was 5am) i just couldnt. and i'm too dependent on my beta-blocker right now. i'm used to take 2 tablets everyday, each for morning and afternoon, but now i cant. i couldnt help but fidgeting, the tremor was uncontrollable. and i felt sick. think i should sleep early tonight. need to read about headache first. yeah, great, i'm having a headache now and need to read about headache more. great great..

i'm missing someone badly now. wish he is here with me. sedih.. sob sob...