My World

i'm happy. it's a nice feeling and i cant help but smile.

already bought my flight ticket and due to arrive this monday. settle with meds school, which gave me good support. saw a smile and cheerful face at meds school, who i saw for my appointment this afternoon. thanks, you made my day. then got a very good news from finance office. nice. then went back home and it's snowing. really really heavy snow and i like it. everywhere covered with snow and there are heavy snow falls from the sky. i guess it's a send off sign from newcastle. nice.

i'm really tired too. havent got enuff sleep for these past few days. but i'm not complaining. things couldnt be better. with mara, meds school, family and frens, and i'm going home! just one tiny thing, i do hope mara nyer allowance masuk tomoro. so that i can start buying chocolates and other things for ppl back home.

hm..just realise i didnt eat a thing today. just a few gulps of coffee decaf. dono, i just forgot to eat. hmm..tired, cant sleep, forgot to eat? funny eh. well, better sign off now and prepare my food. dont want to spoil this day by being hungry. i live for food!

yup yup i'm going home! very very soon. havent got a confirm date yet, but will definitely have a long break from my study. yup yup had settled with medic school already and hopefully, hopefully settle with mara very soon. just need to write and send the last letter and make a polite phonecall to mara, confirm with my dad who will pay for my ticket (hihi love you dad!), go to a travel agent, buy a flight ticket and TADAAA..i'll be in the airplane going back home!

or am i getting too excited too soon? is it my anxiety-ness (which is same as too excited, stupid me)? la la la la la la la la la la la la la la... maybe. ah, i dont care. as long as i'm hepi for tonite, that's enuff for me. these past few days/weeks had been kinda...complicated to me. i dont even realise myself anymore. too emotional (i mean..way tooooo emotional..cry like hell..stupid), too angry (angry like hell too), too manic (hepi a while, then tada..sad again) and yeh, too complicated/complex you name it. and there are lots and lots of things to settle here b4 i can go back home (you cant think i can simply board a plane and off? but i do wish to do that..hmm). settle my room here at newcastle, my stuff (it's a lot! dont blame me, it's my 4th year huh), scholarship, bank etc etc. hmm..

what the hell. I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! I'M GOING HOME! hopefully the journey will be safe and sound. hihi

**The other one **
During this time you may find your own inward unconscious drives mirrored in someone else's actions. Usually this occurs as a conflict in which the other person acts very irrationally and compulsively in ways that are detrimental to your goals. Look at this person very carefully. Although it may seem quite magical, he or she is really reflecting your own inward ego problems. The other person is yourself! This is because you tend to project your inner attitudes onto the other person, rather than experiencing the other person directly as he or she really is. Unpleasant as it may be to deal with someone who is being difficult, you may learn a great deal about yourself in the process.

**Wonderful opportunities **
Valid during many months: This influence indicates the beginning of a new cycle of growth and progress. However, it is often the focus of exaggerated expectations. You may expect sudden windfalls, great wealth or luck, and all kinds of wonderful opportunities. And these things do happen sometimes with this influence, but most people should expect more subtle, but equally useful effects.

Events now, such as meetings with persons or even changes in your psyche, open the way for you to become wiser and more mature and to have a broader understanding of the world. At this time you will reach out consciously and unconsciously and ask more of the world, but at the same time you are willing to give more to the world.

This influence can make you feel either more demanding or more giving toward others, but you are not likely to get much out of it if you think only of what you can get. The law of conservation of energy in the universe says that you can transform the energies in your life from one form to another, but you cannot create them out of nothing. This influence represents a time when you should see whether you are doing that in your life.

Concretely, you can expect persons who are good for you to come into your life. Or circumstances will arise that give you increased freedom or an opportunity to do something that you have never done before. Educational opportunities may come to you at this time, or a chance to travel. Sometimes this influence does in fact bring about financial advantage, but you should not sit around passively waiting for it to happen.

am too lazy to blog. i.am.bored.like.hell.full.stop.

You're Element is Flame. You have a strong,
independant, fiery personality and you
obviously don't ley other's puch you around.
You like being in charge and don't care what
other people think. In fact, you like to stand
out and be yourself. You're probably shy when
people first meet you but your a ball of energy
that could explode at any given moment. You
like to laugh and whether you admit it or not,
you like to fight. You're peronality that is
wild and untamable. You're beauty is physically
fit and a little sexy and you have a very
pretty face.


What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

i dont know how to start..am very very sad right now. it just happen quite suddenly, i already switched off my desk lamp and put myself under the dover for about 5 minutes, then DUH..it happen. i cried non-stop. i feel soo sad. not like sad as if being down, i just feel sad, sad. emotionally sad. sedih, sayu, sensitive.

this afternoon was my last counselling session. i didnt see it coming. thought it was just my usual, routine chat with the counsellor. her name is Pat. huh, i didnt even know her last name sob sob. i've been seeing her for..let me count..since last year's easter..that will be about 10 months. i say about, definitely more than 20-30 sessions i had with her, seeing her almost every week, or every fortnite. she is a nice lady, i guess in her 40-50s, has short white hair, quite small stature, about my height, with a warm appearance and motherly smile. ...cant stop crying again...

well, i can say she is a good counsellor. if not, i wont be crying for this last 1/2 hour, got my point? she approached me pretty well, i liked her almost instantly. guess it's because of her long experience in counselling. she never make me feel like being intruded (like i say b4, i can easily feel being intruded - can easily detect busy-bodyness - well, i cant say i can detect, but it's just me who didnt like ppl nosing around). she never give advice directly (i think she got 6th sense cos i really really hate getting advices). she made me think hard of what she had said and made me come out with my own conclusion. it was as if she showed me the door, but it's me who have the key and then open the door myself. i always, mark my word, always, feel good and calm down after every session with her, no matter how grumpy i was b4 seeing her.

and here i am, after 10 months worth counselling, i got the 'eureka'. i manage to get answers myself. it's not exactly an answer, as there are many things in life come without answer, but i just feel enough. the end. will the misrable-ness come again, i dont know, but i'm satisfied with what i got today. i'm not sure whether it comes from Pat, or the anti-depressant that i took, or the phone conversations with my mum, or my dad's constant caring sms, or very patient azali, or always-be-there elina, or the patient Prof Spencer from Meds school, or doa after semayang etc etc, but i feel great. great, great. it's been quite sometime since i last feel this way. i cant describe it, all i can say that it's not the endless misrable-ness that i used to have.

back to Pat. i feel sad because she manages to attach myself to her. she knows almost everything about me, my family, my life. no one knows me that much, not even me. she opened more doors than i knew i had. and this afternoon was our last meeting. i dont have any counselling session again. i wont be seeing her again. it's like losing someone close. like losing a close fren. and that's sad.

wonder why before this i tend to push ppl away? away from knowing me too well? this is why. i dont want to attach myself. i have the tendency to attach myself emotionally, easily. like this one simple example, when i watch movie, i attach myself in too deep, it felt like as if i was in the movie myself. like how i attach myself into anime. and harry potter. and human as well. when this happen, parting from them will be a total nightmare. i've never been closed to frens back in taiping and kmys. like, close, close. my frens never come to my house. wirda, liza, laila, azlizawati etc etc..they never know, know me. but being away from family was too hard for me. i have to be close close to someone. and i got closed to this girl. my housemate (mistery tu...hihi saje wat suspen, though it's 100% sure it's her. got nobody else). i once told oja that i like this girl so much (again..not lesbo thingy). but at the same time i'm still not sure. me and my push-ppl-away thingy. but certain thing you cant elak. and now i'm sad again. i used to cry at night for her. she is too wonderful, and now way too close to me. but some day, some sweet day, eventually, i have to part from her. she will need to follow her path. so do i. i fear for that day. fear fear. sad sad. cry cry

i hate crying. but right now i just cant control it. there's nothing i can do. i'm scared if i forget Pat's face. i'm scared if i forget about her. i'm scared of thinking myself as an old, winkled women who suddenly remembers back her memories of a middle-aged, British women who used to help her during her difficult times. i'm scared of losing my memories with her

yup, today i cook nasi lemak. ate a lot. like it's something new...ho ho ho

went to uni kejap tadi. met this one malaysian guy in front of the union. not that close with him, but he's frenly, so i dont mind having a chat kejap with him. borak nyer borak, he said he didnt want to go back to malaysia after graduate because he didnt have anyone back home. huh? being alone in this foreign country, and alone as well back home? of course la you cant say him being alone becos he got frens and keluarga angkat, but having no blood-related person in this whole world? oh man.

but hei, if you dont have anyone to concern to and nobody to be concerned of, that's brilliant, isnt it? you dont have to consider your parents feeling, no need to compare your exam results with the other siblings/cousins etc, all you have to consider is yourself! you can be what you want, can do what you want. no burden, no responsibility, except for yourself. you just need to take good care of yourself, no string attached. live your life as you wish, go to the end of the world if you like, without needing to have regular visit to somewhere, someone. you work as you like, spend as you like, marry someone you like without needing an approval, no majlis merisik lah, majlis tunang lah, malam berinai lah, pelamin lah, hantaran lah blah blah blah and yup, the crowd. why not just go to masjid, kadi, akad, saksi, mas kawin, tada, husband and wife. 'no, no, you need to consider your parents feeling'. pastu, cucu lah, cicit lah, whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging whinging.....

my point is, to have a zero expectation, zero responsibility life, it's priceless.

but that's impossible. not entirely imposible lah, of course, there are ppl out there who have or choose to have that kind of life. for what reason, i dont know, but i've listed mine. i know some ppl may not agree with me, fine, your life, my life. i, too, am not sure to choose that kind of life, if i were given the chance to choose. nobody related to you in this world? isnt it weird? no parents, no siblings, and most importantly, no place to go back to? i know my mum kuat bebel, but she did lots of other things for me as well. when i was down, she told me about her new handbag worth RM 2400 (dont ask me). weird isnt it? a handbag can cheer someone up other that the owner? becos she knows me for sooooo damn long, and the fact that i've shared half of my gene with her (hence the handbags/shoes/shopping addiction). my parents and family build a mountain of priceless memories for me, and most importantly, they make me the person i am today (not the sperm and egg thingy huh, but that's true as well hmm..). build me, me. i know i'm not the best person in the world, but to be able to breath and smile today, is such an achievement (what am i saying?). i hate all the bebel, advices, 'reminders' but (oh i hate to admit this) they actually help me to get thru this life. and i'm complaining/whinging all day...la la la not grateful la la la

life is like nasi lemak, some taste good, some not, some like it pedas, some not, some got allergic to nuts, some just cant eat it though they like it cos of takut gemuk. nasi lemak doesnt always taste good (life is not always a bed of roses), some like it pedas, some not (variety of human's destiny), some got allergic to nuts (you cant have everything in life), some cant eat it though they like it becos of takut gemuk (well, you cant just consider yourself when making a decision, ie need to consider other ppl's view and opinion as well). hihihi amacam? ratu merepek no 1 dunia. nite everyone >o<