My World

this week has been really bad. felt a bit suicidal.

i hate people generally at this time of my life. hate everything about them. hate their face, the way they talk, the way they walk, the way they smell. and you know what, i even hate myself more. hate myself for being part of the population, hate myself for being me. basically, everything sucks at the moment.

super hatred me

yeah you read it right. whether it was a virus, or the fact that the laptop is 70 years old human life (hehe me guessing.. it's actually 7 years old ie i bought it in 2000) i dont know. it just wont work anymore. agaknye dah tiba masenye. why oh why you cant wait another 1 month or so?

anyway, i'm blogging from shanti's laptop. she has kindly let me use her old laptop. sigh... mmg mati kutu betul takde internet. hopefully yus and his friends can have a look at it in a few days time. hopefully boleh betulkan, if not then hopefully can save the hard disk cos all of my lifetime works are there plus hundreds, if not thousands, of pictures are stored inside that laptop. so hopefully boleh diselamatkan.

at least there is one good news that cheered me up yesterday. the pics from my camera's memory card are now safely stored in a cd, done by the good stuff at jacobs' camera shop. although not all pics were saved, but at least some pics of me and mama were one of those that were saved. i'll put the pics sometime later ok, for kak lysa, jiman and iwan to view it in malaysia.

nadine and oja are here, so riuh sket rumah, tu la best tu. we had a chat last night until half 3 in the morning hihi. we might be going out this afternoon, after ellina and nadine come back from the umno meeting. yup, umno. to be precised, umno newcastle agm meeting. me? i came to the annual agm meeting 2 years ago and menyesal sampai skrg. dulu mule2 nak ajak masuk umno kate it's a social and gathering club, nnt boleh buat a programme or two for us to get to know malaysians who live in newcastle better. how wrong i was. it was full with politics and everyone gila kuasa. well that's how i view it. i might not know politics, but i do know what i dont like. so this time around, i rather face a blank wall for 2 hours than to come to that meeting. nicely said, elly, think i might get into trouble for saying this, but i dont fucking damn care, mara doesnt send me here to join politics, so why would i be worried?

anyway, since nad is here, he said he would question me a thing or two and i like that. finals are less than 4 weeks away and i need all the help i can get. nadine is good teacher, a bit garang sometimes hehe but i dont mind that. i'd rather get scolded from him than the examiners huh.

oklah, i'm guessing the umno meeting will be ending soon so i need to get prepared in case they want to go to town straight after that. hehe belom mandi hehe. have a nice weekend!

this time last week i was at heathrow, sending off my mum back home. i know i was going to be sad, but not that very sad, cos i know my mum is going home, to her family, and i know that her brothers, my uncles, were going to take good care of her. my cousins were there as well, so it wasnt like in 2002 where i had to send home my mum and sis at the heathrow and then be completely alone after that. i was wrong.

less then 5 minutes after my mum and uncles went into the departure gate, i was alone. same old loner again. i dont know, it was something that i had decided there and then. my cousins insisted me to stay at their place, at least for a few hours before my bus trip that night, but there and then my mind told me it is time to be alone again.

that night i was alone in the tube going from heathrow to victoria. then another 3 hours or so for my bus that scheduled at half 11. i felt lonely, and empty. 'life is definitely going back to the usual', i thought. i had to swallow the truth there and then. the usual life as a loner in a faraway land, where there's no one to care for you except yourself.

i have never been close to anyone except my family. i have friends, but no one actually come close enough to know the real me. maybe azali. and he's still learning to know the real me after 5 years we are together. maybe ellina. but she is she, and i am me, and there is still a tiny invisible barrier that exists between us. and i always know that i'm not a social type. i'm not active in societies, and i'm not comfortable in gatherings. i am me. who doesnt like crowds, and children, who despise over-friendliness, so i know i am and will always be a loner, except for one or two people who i invite in to be with me. the barrier that i build is there to stay, and i'm not complaining for being a loner, because that is me. but every now and then i have to bear the feeling of swallowing the fact that there is no one to talk to and laugh with or cry with. i am alone.

another day.. another revision..

i'm stucked at home at the moment for having shingles. sigh. such a time for it to appear! i cant go to the hospital and wards because it's infectious and i can only go to the library when no one is there ie night time. so i'm stuck at home doing my revision. today's revision: obs& gynae. hopefully it will go as planned.

4 more weeks to final! oh i'm seeing stars...

mama came and now she's gone. thank you for coming mama. thank you thank you. thank you for the time, for the support, for the adventure, for the money (hehe), for the swatch (my fifth! :D) and thank you for being there. LOVE YOU LOADS! bad news is that i cant upload the pics. the memory card from my camera demands to be formatted and thus all the pics will be gone! help! does anyone know how to save those pics before the formating? i've asked 2 people who knows lots more computer stuff than i do but they also dont know. guess i have to go to the camera shops and ask them.

i have to go. revision revision. i need to get use of these short entries. have a nice day!

happy easter. not that i know the meaning behind easter weekend, all i know is that it's a public holiday weekend and that not a single shop is open ha ha. and yeah, it's the most unsuitable time to diet as they have chocolate easter eggs, like, everywhere :p

i'm having the last portion of belgian chocolate cheesecake for my breakfast. heaven! for the last few days i had to force myself to eat and finish all the junkfood that i bought from the tesco trip last week. half of the things i bought was junkfood, like cakes, ice-cream and crisps, and now i have to finish them all before they expire. am sooo not gonna to lose any weight... wirda wait for me to come back and join you at the gym!

holiday sucks. seriously. never would i dream of saying this.. but holiday sucks. it drives my mind crazy. i work best when i'm busy and have a certain routine. wake up at certain time, do this task and that task, go to the library for a couple of hours on the way back, then reach home, shower, pray, dinner, then bed. but when i am in a, what you called, semester break, i lost all the routine. and worse is that what holiday does to my head. i start to spend too much time thinking. yup, thinking. i'm a person who has too much of imagination. i can think that, or this, or 1001 of other possible consequences of an action, for example. when i'm busy and tired, i dont have time to listen to this thinking. but now when i'm free, i'll start to think about this and that, stupid simple task like deciding what to eat for dinner or what to wear is a big task. then i start to think about other people opinion of me. this is the suck-est part. i start to think of this and that, is that person hate me, or do they despise me, or should i do this to them, or should i not, and these thinking drives me crazy!

.......... >__<

otherwise i'm fine, just a bit of a cold, no worry, paracetamol + ibuprofen and a warm bath should most likely to cover that. my tips would be to use listerine before and after you sleep, as this helps clearing the accumulated phlegm in your throat. and yeah, put some extra blanket when you sleep, and wallah! you'll be fine. altho i still got some yellow phlegm but no wheeze (:p auscultated myself..) so i'm fine (so not a good practise ha ha).

anyway, i'm struggling with my revision. again, holiday sucks!! i'm hoping to finish surgery revision this weekend before mama's arrival on thursday, but i doubt it. got no motivation whatsoever. got a few small topics to cover in surgery before i can start the rotation revision: paeds, obs & gynae and psychiatry. nadine's advice is to finish all the big topics 1 month before the final, i've got 8 weeks b4 finals, meaning 4 weeks to finish all the revision.. arghhhhhhh

guess i have to do some revision now. this week's revision: hernia and vascular surgery, ie the last 2 topics in surgery. i also need to tidy up the breast notes and some other bits. some say medicine is a waste, unlike some other courses that can bring more satisfaction and income. some say that medicine is a no-brainer, all you need to do is open your book and read and try to memorise them. fine. try that for 1001++ topics (i do mean that literally), plus the forever changing guidelines, and see if you can do it. and medicine is not all about knowledge, it involves skills as well. another 1001++ skills for you to master. what i'm trying to say is that please dont try to patronise other courses. i'm not saying that medicine is the best and greatest course in the world because it is NOT, and i myself is not their biggest fan, but i would not let other people says bad things about it and try to bring it down. i admit i let people do this in the past in front of my face, but now it's time for me to stand by it. medicine is my world, and it's going to stay that way for a long time and no one would say any condescending talk about it in front me, got it?

i can feel a flu is coming... noooOOOooooOOoooOOOooo

awat la flu nak dtg time2 nih

nevermind.. altho i despise seeing the doctor, but i like to self-diagnose and self-medicate :p so i'll have all the tablets i have tonight muahaha then pengsan tido and so hopefully tomoro i'll be much better ha ha surely my liver is healthy and will be able to cope with it ha ha it's not that i do this everyday ha ha see i try to justify my action again without even realising it.. this felt stupid....

guess what, mr eczema decided to come and flare up as well.. arghhhhhhh