My World

and today i..... ponteng. good for me, not good for the course. but hey, i got 3 different continuity patients to type up so i'm going to do some work + reading too. this week has been an exhausting one; went to alnwick twice and had to work on wednesday too and started my after-class library session + jogged. i hope to sort out my life and have a certain routine to keep myself busy and keep my mind off stupid and unnecessary things. all of these are good for my mind, but tire my body out. i'm not that fit huh, i still have sore thighs after went jogging last tuesday. need to keep fit need to keep fit. the weather has been nice nowadays (but certainly not today and yesterday, wonder why hmm) and i hope to jog at least twice a week (dream on) but it's all depends on the weather.

have i told you that i work on wednesday? i mean paid work. i thought i was jobless after the practice manager told the other girl who work with me that the surgery didnt have any more medical notes to be summarised thus no more work for us to do (aka the surgery dont want us). i thought the same applied to me but mama insisted me to call them, mainly to say thank you for having me for these past few months. i called them on tuesday and hey, they want me to continue working for them!?? they said i did a good job and worked harder compared to the other girl (see... money does motivate me muahaha but i do like the work) and that they offer a permanent post for me up to until i graduate (yup, they said that). i know it's just part time, but a permanent one. niceee... but they can only afford to pay me 6 hours a week and no more saturday session. that's fine with me, i can say 60% of the reason for me working is to fill up my time (the rest..money la dhoh) so now i'm kinda worried for the weekends. should i get a 2nd job? monyet said to put my study my priority, of course i do, but too much free time leave me with my pyjamas and not brushing my teeth all day. not good what... i can have all sunday for myself, but definitely need to fill saturday with something. volunteering work? interesting.. but it definitely cant fulfill the 40% reason of me working. to help human kind? hmm...(nah..muahha) fine i'll think about it.

what else to write? oh yeah.. i just notice that some friends dont like to be contacted. it's like 'oh fine i know you exist and that we used to be friends but at the moment let just stay as an acquaintance'. hmm.. fine. and i just happen to realise that i do that too! especially to my old friends, especially especially to dear old school friends. maaf ye. i know some of them are eager to keep in touch and even try to organise various gathering. and i believe those friends who dont like to be contacted will have their own reason, and i have mine too, i think.

it's hard to explain, no, it's not as hard as i think it is. i dont like and never will like my past old self and that all the things (or ppl) who remind me of myself in the past, i will try to avoid. i just hate it whenever i meet an old friend and that they say how much i have changed compared to my old self; how fair and smooth skin i have now (yeah..how dark, oily and blemished my face was back then), nice figure i have now (yeah.. me being fat, fat and fat back then), how matured i am now (yeah.. childish me who wrote stupid love letter 8 years ago to a stupid guy who refused to talk to me until now to 'prevent' me falling in 'love' again with him - mati pijak gajah aa nko) and how unbelievable for me to get a guy to remain committed to me (yeah.. me so damn ugly in the past it is impossible for me to get a guy to even look at me). and this one; how i've changed 360 degree from my old self, me not even wear a scarf now, hint hint maybe because of the oversea shock. fine. FINE.

hmm you must have known me inside out back then to be able to say that. whatever. i'm not going to produce any defence; i'm just too tired of being angry. to those old friends who prefer not to keep in touch, i totally understand you. you might have your own reason, and i totally respect that. and for those who think they are the person whom i refer to, think again, it might not be you and please jgn cepat terasa (dhoh, people cepat sgt terasa nowadays, 'oh it might be me, it might be me' and then ask me directly whether they are the person whom i refer to. like i'm gonna the honest dhoh muahahha

i did exactly what i intended to do yesterday. it was a super duper lazy day! i stayed on my pyjamas all day, and stayed on the bed most of the time. heaven heaven aaahhh....

after a very relaxing saturday, i woke up early today to get shower, nope langsung tak mandi smlm, not even brushing my teeth ;p muehehhe. plus today i have to visit a hip fracture patient up to alnwick, it's almost halfway to edinburgh huh. a sunday visit? you might think i am a rajin gaban nyer student, but the real fact is that i should have visited this lady before easter break, and that was 5 weeks ago, and now the consultant has already asked about it and now is the time to panic. and this patient has moved to 2 different hospitals and now is in a nursing house up way north in alnwick. what to do what to do kene aa pigie gak

of course i know everything that happened a few weeks ago is indeed a memory, and it's just my stupid side of brain trying to tegakkan benang yg basah muahaha. stupid and annoying and complicated, yet interesting and funny side of my brain, i think muahaha

finally FINALLY i managed to talk to monyet. his handphone broke down since monday and havent heard his voice for 6 days makes me crazy! i need to talk to him to keep me insane..logic tak? muahaha. this is the last thing that i what to do; emotionally dependent to others..i hate it..but some things are beyond one's control. you know what, i think most of the blame are on monyet; who ask him to be soo bloody damn nice to me? huh. i was spoilt, i mean giler punyer spoilt by him, of course i like it, but i hate it too at the same time, see what happens now? i become emotionally dependent to him and now he is not here, obviously, and sapa susah skrg? bengang bengang (but at the same time...sengih gak..confused confused)

i spent nearly half of my time back home with him. we went to genting together, in my effort to find a cold place away from kl, tak berjaya pun, genting is not as cold as i imagine it would be. the next day we headed to machang, to his parents house. woo hoo you cant imagine how i felt at that time. spending a night in my future in-laws house...shudder shudder. it turned out to be ok. his mum was nice and friendly, and his dad was the quiet one. monyet got his look from his mum, but most of his personality he got it from his dad. i know it's not a very big deal for most of us to meet our future in-laws family, but for me, it IS a big deal. my mum always has this small talk, every now then, about how important it is to be well accepted in my future in-laws family. she forbids me to go to machang for a long time, 'important for my reputation' she said, and i dont have a clue what she meant, but it indeed gives me shudder to even think about it. what if they dont like me? will monyet leave me if his family doesnt like me? and with this so-called 'my reputation', how should i do it? i got thousand tips to meet my future in-laws family, even from the girl who did my facial a week before i went to machang (yup, my mum prepared me mentally and physically, 'you'll look bercahaya seminggu lepas facial, providing you put this and this on your face and do this and that, eat this and that bla bla bla). all of these scared me even more. i have to please these people, and i'm not sure how. monyet plak being a typical guy, 'oh you'll just be yourself, the way that i like you best'. and being on my pyjamas all day and not brushing my teeth? i dont think so.

first rule - listen more, talk less. hmm i can do that. it's like listening to a patient. smile, listen, nodding, be polite and let the patient does most of the talking. and the fact that everyone in monyet's family talk (very) thick kelantanese accent, and i dont understand a word, and they dont understand mine as well, hmm not sure this helps or not. i did listen, and i listened hard and tried to understand the best i can. luckily monyet's mum was soo nice, and my kitchen skills wasnt that bad, i think it went well, i think, i hope.

second rule - woke up early the next morning. yup, i did this, in fact earlier than everyone else and his mum said 'oh lom subuh lagi' muahahha. but my nose bled that morning like hell and i hope she didnt think anything bad.

third rule - keep busy, dont even sit. so i kept myself busy, basuh pinggan, lap meja, sapu sampah etc etc. monyet said he never saw me being soo 'nice, appropiate, rajin, mithali'. whatever sepak kang

and monyet helped me a lot. he helped me get used to his family, and i forever thank him for that. monyet once said that mother-in-laws can never be the same as our own mother, and i thought 'why not?'. they are like our 2nd mother. if we treat and respect them like our own mother, then they will treat us like their own (i hope). well, that's what my mum told me, like a thousand time. my mum treats monyet like her own, of course ade sket janggal, but she likes monyet, especially for the way monyet treats me, her daughter, well. and the fact that my mum's mum passed away 12-13 years ago, my mum has been pretty closed to her mother-in-law (my dad's mum). and my grandma treats her well too, sometimes better than her own daughter. so i guess all my mum wants is for me to be happy and bahgia.

after spending a night in machang, me and monyet went to a 5-hour journey to kuantan ie to my parents house. i couldnt help but to imagine this is what it would be like in a few years time (i hope, amin) during raya time. journey from one family in machang, then to kuantan. i love the time we spent in the car. i can talk all the things in the world, and monyet is more than happy to listen. he is indeed weird; i cant imagine such person exists, who doesnt like to talk but would love to listen me merepek. i mean, real merepek muahhaha. and we spent 2 nights in kuantan, at my parents house. having spent 5 days non-stop, all day with monyet, this was really the highlight of my break.

i am pretty sure now that this is a memory, not a dream

there are too many stories to tell, but no mood to write. i'm a bit low lately, partly because of the maha bosan tahap dewa nyer rotation, but mainly for coming back to the uk after spending my whole 3 weeks easter break at home.

i guess my main problem is that i cant let go. plus i cant seem to integrate my life. between school life and home life. between boarding school life and family life. malaysia and uk. kuantan and newcastle. engaged and single. khatulistiwa and stoopid snow on april. it was as if a dream; that i wasnt sure which one is the reality. a memory or just a dream?

i have to look at the hard evidence aka pictures to make sure it isnt a dream

it felt as if the 3 weeks were just a dream. and i cant seem to let it go.

and i was a bit confused as well about 2 weeks ago; i felt as if newcastle life doesnt exist at all, that it is merely a dream.

memories or is it just a dream?

i think i have 2 minds, both have opposite ways of thinking. it gives me headaches most of the time. i do hope i know how to solve this. both are mine, yet they are too different to each other.

like one head is really convinced it is a memory, while the other firmly believe it is all a dream.

like one head like to spend time alone, hates crowds and being antisocial, while the other is feeling very lonely inside.

like one head thinks i should eat to live while the other thinks i should live to eat.

like one head really really hate this one girl, while the other misses her a lot.

like one head is dealing with the reality, while the other cant seem to let go of the past.

this is tiring and confusing, and the other head thinks it's funny.

about 2 months ago when i did my psychiatric rotation, a psychiatrist once told the group something that gave me a shudder, as it resembled pretty much the same as what i once wrote here about me. i think it wouldnt be appropriate for me to mention which condition, nope it is not depression or anxiety stupid, it is something that i never thought of before. damn i hate psychiatry. people hates something mostly because they are scared of it. a reminder to myself.

yey it's weekend! i'm gonna be super lazy tomoro (like i'm not haha). nite nite!

my favourite picture. sob sob miss him badly sob sob

a quick one. i dont have the mood to write, just to kill some time for my 10 oclock train to newcastle.

yup, i'm back (wa wa waaaa). back to the wet and cold place called uk. arrived london last night, am now in huda's place. it's 7.21am right now, and the train is at 10. wish i could stay longer in london with huda. the flight journey was uneventful, i didnt lost my bag this time (put 3 ribbons, 2 nametags and 2 keylogs).

huda is sleeping at the moment. me, biaselah, jetlag. bangun awal gile.

i cant describe my 3-week stay in malaysia. it is beyond words to describe my feeling. i totally agree with elina; 3 weeks ARE enough. a short but packed break. i knew i had to go back. after an unfortunate event happened 3 weeks ago (where i lost my main big bulky blackbag on the train from newcastle to london, may you rot rot ROT in hell wahai si pencuri bag hantu sial), after that everything went fine. just fine. siap bawak 1 anak lembu and 1 anak monyet balik newcastle tu, tak tipu! sampai sesak2 nafas si anak lembu tu, dah tu gemuk sgt muahaha. and for the first time, i cried like a baby at the airport. you know i hate crying. but some things are just beyond your control. sayang gile kat satu mamat kelantan ni. maybe gak terjangkit from elina who also cied at the airport. hebat tu, terjangkit from heatrow to klia tuu. anyway, i guess it is worth to cry for your loved ones. if nangis tgk cite hindustan tu takyah cite aa muehehehe.

will write again soon. am sooooo determine to......ponteng tomoro's class muahahah. need to catch up my study (hey, dont blame me, i lost my bag, thus lost all my books la dhoh). anyway, a big BIG apologise for not having time to meet up old friends mase kat mesia. i cant do everything in 3 weeks, plus everyone is working/final year/mum now, so hope to have better luck on seeing you guys next time :)

lapar lapar. think i'm gonna try to find some food in huda's fridge. ciao

alo

dah lame tak update. been a bit bz myself. finished psychiatry, and am doing chronic illness, disability and rehabilitation since last week. bosan nk mati BOSAN NAK MATI. dah la base kat wansbeck hosp, it's so far away i hate it so much. takes 1 hour to be there by bus, dont like the hosp, dont like the docs there, really hate the rotation. the course is sooo mad bored

......................................whatever

anyway, few things to update:

i'm going home this saturday (!!) yup, home HOME. about 3 weeks ago i happened to know that my easter break is 3 weeks instead of 2, got cair with mr fiance who begged me to go home, + i got some extra saving money from my part-time paid work, so i decided then and then that i wanted to go home for easter. this is the 1st time having paid the flight ticket myself, and it felt good. i know i can spend my earning on anything, some prefer to spend it on clothes, or shoes, or for european holidays, or even save it, but i know i will be a much happier person to spend it on a flight ticket back home :)))

i told my mum the night after i bought my tickets that i am due to arrive at klia on sunday afternoon. i purposedly choose a weekend flight so that i can see my family on the weekend when everyone is free. she said "oh, dont you know that all of us are going to pulau tioman that weekend? we are going there on saturday and come back to kuantan on monday afternoon" WHAT? everyone knew that i'll be home that weekend but they choose to go on a vacation instead? marah gile. after all my effort to go home to be with them and this is how they treat me? i know azali will be there to sambut me at the airport, but that is not the same. me being left behind? bengang bengang. my mum apologised prefusedly, saying that it was all my dad's plan and she only knew it that morning. xyzf#$gtfd%jbjabifuckygthbs%

you know what i did? since everyone will be senang lenang goyang kaki at pulau tioman sane on sunday while me just arrive from a 15hours flight, i decided to treat myself and get even. i booked a night at Mandarin Oriental hotel, the one near klcc that cost about RM500 a night. did i mention that i'm gonna use my dad's credit card? oh yes i will. it is the only way to balas dendam + redakan hati yg marah ini MUAHAHAHAHHA

so skrg hati sudah sejuk hehehe. sbb dah book hotel yg best muahaha. lagipun the hotel is strategically located, near to lrt putra where i can go to kl central and take the klia express for a kuantan flight on monday afternoon. (sebenarnye sbb dekat ngn klcc, leh shopping MUAHAHAH + 5star hotel MUAHAHAHHA). weh, tu dah kira bagus, i thought of taking a flight to bangkok tau on the day i arrived at klia sbb bengang sgt. nasib baik mr fiance berjaya pujuk.

oklah. enuff being cruel. you cant believe how anxious i was for these past few days, i just cant contain my anxiety of going home. it normally takes me several weeks or even months to set my mind on something like this. thus i dont usually make spontaneous decision. i usually can cope with sudden changes, but it is my mind that takes time to adapt.

planned to pack my stuff tonight, just realised most of it is not my stuff. it's theirs ie those at home. i think i deserve the mandarin oriental room, a day of shopping at klcc and a late night movie at tgv klcc with mr fiance. dont you think so?

plan to do while in malaysia:

1. meet up a few friends; wirda, atik, mus, liza, nina alwi etc..dono sempat ke tak hmm. dono they want to see me or not hmm

2. beg my dad (cium kaki die if perlu) to get me an F1 ticket. two actually, for mr fiance as well. already got a plan in my mind to text him tomoro 'alo abah. leh dptkan tak ticket F1, ples ples, for anakmu yang ditinggalkan/dilupakan mase pie pulau tioman huhuhu'. hmm agaknye jadik tak? it all depends on his mood. i know he can get good tickets but he is not the type of person to mintak those sort of things hmm...ples ples hope abah is in a good mood (well..better ask now b4 he sees his credit card bill for an unknown RM500 hotel bill ahaks)

3. go to kelantan. to be precised, machang. to be more precised, to meet mr fiance's big family. i've met his parents during our engagement day, but going to his house and meet the whole family, that another major thing to do. gile cuak. well, a fiancee has to do what a fiancee has to do. i hope it's a day trip huhuhu

4. go shopping!! mr fiance promised to pay all my living expenses while me at home, well, i am going home and use my savings for a 500quids flight ticket to see him, so no guilt there for using his money hahaha

5. everyone now has an mp3 player, so i think i'm gonna looked for it in malaysia since elina said it is cheaper there. i dont promise to get one, just look and see hehe. ipod mini is such a nice little cute thing. tak dpt tu, dpt ipod shuffle pun jadik la. cuci mata je...

6. what else? EAT!! eat as much udang as i can, sampai bengkak2 muka like last year hahaha dont care, me like udang very much

7. get a dermalogica facial set. me like dermalogica soo much. it really suits my skin. it's better than lancome.

8. of course, spend time with mr fiance. he's actually one of the main reason i'm going back. + he promised an MNG bag hehehe

9. dono jadik ke tak, but last week i told mama i always want to go to trengganu for a weekend break, they always go there, at least once in a few months, but i never actually stay in a hotel in trengganu. they always go to this place, something bayu beach resort, me asyik jeles je sbb asyik kene tinggal. so mum promised me to go there sometime during my 3-week stay. with all the above plans, i'm not sure whether i have time. only 3 weeks hols ie 2 weekends, 1 weekend is for F1, the 2nd weekend is for machang trip. we'll see....

cepat aa abis this week...gagagaga