My World

there were times when one felt less human and had to isolate oneself from the outer world as a consequence of this feeling.

and that is exactly how i feel now.

i need to tell someone.

i am prone to feel down.

and i dont know why.

and i am not sure myself whether it is true or not.

maybe because i have known to have a low self-esteem. i know that.

it is weird. i know i have low self-esteem and this makes me vulnerable to feel down. yet it still hit me everytime.

it is like being an alcoholic. you have a habit. a bad one. you know that this bad habit of yours will cause you more harm than pleasure, but you still drink nevertheless. you know you have a bad habit, but you cant get rid of it. it is harder than what everyone thinks it is. you just cant get away from it, though you are fully aware of the consequence of having this bad habit. it is part of you and will always be part of you, no matter how many anti-detox, treatments, counselling etc that you had, it will always be part of your past, although you determine not to have it presently, and are still unsure about the future.

it is part of me. me and my low self-esteem. feel lesser than life now. feel less worth than any living creature on this earth.

if i were in a stadium packed of people and there is a mass murderer with a gun at the centre of the stadium, i wouldnt mind a bit being the one who get the bullet. because i am less significant than any people out there. there is nothing you nor i can do about it.

i'm kinda worried. i need to talk to someone but i dont know who. i'm not sure whether i want to talk to someone or not. half of me want to help me. it knows depression is a gradual chronic thing that eats you bits by bits without you realising it. it knows what has happened in the past. it is a cry for help. or is it not? it knows all about the past, the low feeling, the refusal to meet the outer world, the anhedonia, the sleepness nights etc. it wants to help me. while my other half keeps on falling down and refused to get any help. it likes to be alone and to be left alone. it wants to be in control over mind, body and everything. everything felt excessively overflowing. while there is the other side of me that is still in denial. this is nothing at all. i am just a little git who concern over nothing. no need to tell others. what for? just over tiny winy things like this? they are busy people you know. no one have times for your nonsenseness. dont be selfish. this is nothing. you are seeking attention, arent you? no i am not. one thing i hate in this world is attention. are you sure you dont like it? cos everyone lurvess attention. no i am not. and i will not like it if being labelled as one. are you sure? yes i am sure, stupid. sure, dear?

it is harder than the hardest to explain all this mixed feeling. i remember last year, i have promised myself not to be in that 'zone' again. not to be in that hole again. i tell you what anhedonia really is. it's like having a big empty hole in your chest. numb. empty. you dont feel anything. NOT A THING. life is not worth at all. you cant see any point in life. sitting hours on the floor without a single emotion. worthless, that's right. you feel like being alive doesnt matter a bit. and if you are dead, it doesnt matter too. eat? pointless. do that? nah. do this? what for? nothing is matter anymore. that is anhedonia. numb. empty. hole.

'stupid bitch'
'you dont have any friend, you freak'
'people always talk behind you about how freak you are'
'you dont have any friend, freak'

i didnt feel a thing intially. then it hit me. it might be true. it can be true. it is true. or is it not? or is it?

lately ni asyik penat jer. and asyik mengeluh aje.

it's official. i put on some weight. managed to weigh myself using a weighing scale at the doctors' room at old psychiatric ward, NTGH. of course i did it when the doctors werent there duh. what to do what to do. it's not much, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. honestly, i dont mind much about gaining weight, but then it is expected for a girl to worry much about her weight and be panicky when gain some, so i have to do what is expected of me. cos i'm a girl. am i in a mission to prove myself a girl? dono. my head is too wired up to think of anything. i just do things that are expected of me.

fact: one of my aim in life is to be in the exact middle line of a bell shape distribution. got it? i just want to be a typical girl with typical habits in a typical life. why? i dont know. i just want to be normal.

one of my friends told me it was hard to get closer to me. she said i had different personalities at different time, depending on my mood. and i dont have a clue what she was saying. got this idea to check on my friendster, where i can check on the testimonials that my friends gave me. it was indeed weird. some of them said that i was a kind and caring friend. others said i was garang. some said i was talkative. while others said i like to be left alone. some said i was tough, while others hope i wont be homesick. the weirdest statement was that i was soft-spoken and gentle. i didnt realise these variation of testimonials. i know people have their own unique view on others, but this also could mean that i got various personalities, which i use to different people, at different time. it is not my intention to be like this.

this has reminded me of an old childhood story. when i was young, i mean pre-school age, i only had a few friends to play with, mainly because of the family constant moving places, and most of the time i spent time playing with kak lysa who is 3 years older and jiman, my younger brother of 2 years. i was such a naughty and bully kid, so both of them didnt like me and tend to click themselves. i had to work hard (ie be good) to gain them back and join their play. same happen when iwan was borned. he was such a nice and obedient boy, and i liked to bully him around and asked him to do lots of nonsense stuff, until my mum asked iwan to stop following my order. then, i had to work hard again, to gain back his trust. it was like a routine to me, but strangely i liked it.

the truth is that i am a naughty and adventurous person inside. the truth is also that i have NOT a single intention to hurt anyone. life is dull if you get things easily. i want to gain something that is worth saving. damn it is weird. or maybe evil? or maybe stupid?

same happened to mr monkey. he liked me. he told me. i had him. easy. it was not my intention to take him for granted, but for me to appreciate him, i need to do something nasty. so i treated him like shit and then dumped him. then i worked hard to gain him back. it was like he passed my life test. then will i appreciate him. and i will appreciate him for LIFE. i will treasure him like no other. he has gained my ultimate trust.

i'm one sick person, arent i?

this is the exact reason why i dont like to be closer to people, rejecting those who want to be closer to me. life is a game. a dull life is a life not worth living.

(or is it time to visit the counsellar again?)

kylie-fever

finally dapat gak dgr lagu fever! dah berapa minggu dah i had that song in my head. i bought the cd 2 years ago, but realised that i've lost it a few weeks ago when i went searching for the cd. kotak cd ade, tapi cd takde! sakit hati, and that song asyik berputar2 dlm kepala. so...i decided to get another one from ebay! got it for 1quid! +1.50 postage, tappe aa, altogether 2.50 je, drpada asyik dgr lagu je dlm otak. balik sekolah tadi terus dpt the cd yeyeyeyye. i bought her other cd album, Body Language last week at tesco for 2 quids and me like it! i think she's so hot. i lap you kylie! hihi

started my psychiatric rotation this week. for 4 weeks. ha. full stop. ha. full stop. i have low mood since then. i know i hate this rotation. dono, i got personally disturbed by it. it's like looking at an old mirror. oh dont get me start. pathetic life mine was. dont want to open an old dusty book, do we?

it's official. my favourite ever ever food now is prawn potato mayo salad. sedap gile! i can eat the whole big bowl of it! yum yum yum.

had my moment at the beach yesterday. we had our seminar at one of the community mental centre at whitley bay. the centre is just a few metres away from the beach! loved it! i had my lunch sitting on the sand by the beach. stayed there for a while while staring blankly at the sea. dead calm.

watched the aviator and meet the fockers last sunday with mu'azzah. best. the former wasnt exactly my cup of tea that is being a heavy and longgg (3 hours sih) movie but everyone suggested me to watch it so i thought it wouldnt cost me much since i planned to watch 2 movies in a price of 1 (hehe). it was a good movie. very good plot. strong acting thoughout, but i was a bit dissapointed with cate blanchett. what an awkward slang she used, maybe that was the way katherine hepburn spoke, i dont know, i have never watched any katherine hepburn movie, so i dont think i make a fair point here. nevertheless the aviator is a good movie and deserves to be nominated for the oscar. meet the fockers was hilarious! seriously hilarous. everyone knows how funny ben stiller is, but who would have guessed dustin holfman is just as funny? go and watch these movies. someone told me that only people with certain level of intelectual can enjoy the aviator, i dont think this is a fair comment. make me feel if i happen to not like the movie, it means i'm stupid ie not reach 'that' level of intelectual. i dont know. it just that everyone have their own preference. some people might not like to watch heavy, 3 hour movie although they are proven to have high IQ. same works vice versa.

i dreamt of jude law last nite. GoOd dream hehe. he's so damn gorgeous, in my dream lah, havent met him real life, yet. hehe. i also dreamt of something else that ruin everything. malas plak nk tulis. macam ni la, in that dream, soon after i had my hot date with jude law, i dreamt the person that i hate most in newcastle came and visit me at home. got it? suuuweyy

such a nice day la la la :)

had a good sleep last night. was woken up by a phone call from mr monkey. smile smile. just thinking of him makes me smile. rindunye! gosh, i really really like this guy and i cant believe it! hehehe. we've been together for almost 3 years now (tho he has been my friend for 5+ years) and my feeling for him tak pernah luntur. (dreamy eyes)...my mr monkey :D.... cukuplah tu..i guess someone dah muntah hijau dah hehe.

went to work this morning and was happy to see dave in good mood. dave is the practise manager at the gp surgery where i work. he can be moody and asks lotsa questions sometimes, but today he's fine. i managed to do 10 records today, that's an extra 60quids in my pay cheque! will due to receive a 250++quid cheque next week and am so happy :) of course.

decided to go to royal quay after work, since it is just 3 metro (like lrt) stations away from the surgery. and the weather...perfect! i seldom use this term, but today's weather was charming. there was some sun, not too much, and the wind was just nice. and the coast, my god, was soo beautiful! the metro railway runs along the beach, about 100+ metres from it and you can see the blue sea. with the seagulls and calming wind, i couldnt help but to think of kak lysa. a beach lover, my sis is.

today is such a fine day.

arrived at royal quays at about half 2. teka aa royal quays tu ape? a place full of factory outlets shops! hehe. it's the last weekend of winter sales, and you couldnt get any cheaper anywhere else. i bought a very nice short jacket from mexx, my god, it's soo nice, with collar bulu2 lagi hihi. got a nice red nike t-shirt for iwan for 3quids! then i spent about an hour in body shop. i dont know la, but lately i got addicted with body shop's toiletries, like the shower gel and body lotion. it all started when mr monkey gave me a whole set of strawberry toiletries from body shop as part of the engagement hantarans. i liked it so much. then when i came back to uk, i discovered that they are cheaper and affordable here. first i bought the melon seed's shower gel and lotion (simpan woo strawberry nyer...sayang nk guna, mr monkey yg kasi hihi). then i bought satsuma. then lavendar. then mango+peach. and today i bought rose and dewberry! bestnyer. everyday i can choose what flavour i feel want to use that day :). fruity tutty or flowery scent?

finished my tour in royal quays at about 5 but i felt energetic. i can go anywhere, with my favourite pair of snickers, the 2-year-old-size-3-ever-so-comfy sketchers of mine. plus my favourite black jacket, i just like the cutting and length, it's midway between knee and bum, so it's not too short nor too long, and the coat's waist is slightly above the normal waist line, like in 70's cut, so the coat is quite cute to wear. and i got my favourite pair of jeans, i bought it 2 months ago and it has became my favourite jeans ever since. it's boot cut with good leg length and someone told me it makes my bum look smaller. very nice. then i got my sling bag. i'm a true lover of sling bags, i always like it, it makes my hands free. i dont prefer backpack, i always curious about having my purse at a place where i cant feel or see. shoulder bag, cant do, i got weak shoulders. so today i got my favourite red sling bag. + a hat in case it rains. + a bottle of water. + some biscuits, chocolate biscuits prefered, in case i got hypoglycaemic. + my purse, of course. with all the things above, i can practically go anywhere, sehari suntuk pun i boleh. so, after i finished royal quay, i decided to go to metro centre plak ahaha.

it's nice to walk by myself. i like it. but dont get me wrong, i do love company, esp my beloved friends (you know who you are hihi). being alone in a half and hour journey in the metro makes one think of lotsa things. walking alone on a busy mall makes one observe. and think. and appreciate more for one's surrounding. i like to walk alone, and talk to myself, silently la of course, and appreciate the weather, the people and the world. i like it.

at metro centre i managed to buy some more sale items hihi. i dont feel guilty, which i like, cos they are all sale items and i know i cant get cheaper elsewhere, plus i know i will use them. plus i know next week i'll gonna get my pay cheque *grin. then my housemates called to ask me to join them watch some movie at odeon. it's nice when someone remembers you. but unfortunately i couldnt join them as i was too tired walking all day. i went back home and ate yesterday's leftover. i like that. honestly. i dont have to cook, nor do i have to spend some money for dinner. then the long-awaited naruto manga 2nd session has just comeout on the net. naruto dah besar! new image! sakura in boots! wondering about sasuke. bet he got new image as well. it's 2 and a half year since their last meeting. everyone has grown up! cool.

so here i am sitting in front of my laptop. my housemates had just came back from the cinema and knocked on my door to know whether i'm in or not. i feel blessed. you dont know how grateful i am right now. such a fine day :)

'A newcomer you meet or some not so subtle changes in a platonic relationship stir things up in your love life. A powerful sexual attraction has developed between you and another but to pursue this could put an existing union in jeopardy. Granted someone knows how to make you feel appreciated and desirable but fires of passion could burn out as quickly as they ignited. If you are the type of Leo who needs a long lasting and loyal relationship, turn your back on sexy temptation'

interesting. yup, it's my daily horoscope. very interesting one this time. hmm..yup, i do think i want a long lasting and loyal relationship, so lets just forget about that guy from my hosp group (yup, i dont socialise much, other people who i met are from my hosp group duh). that guy is sooo damn cute kuasa 10. his name is Matt, and my other groupmates said that he gonna ask me out soon. duh? not sure i believe that. but for sure, i didnt show ANY interest what so ever. i am indeed a loyal person, like what my mum said last summer. nope, that guy, or any other guy, do not have any chance against my mr monkey hehe. i think huda's theory of 'attached girls' is true haha. quite true. just a couple of months after i got serious with mr monkey, someone i knew and liked told me that he liked me. ayo. terlambat lah pakcik. my heart is already taken haha.

obviously, i am quite (very) sleepy right now and thus write rubbish.

but my point is that i'm not the type of person who would just grab anyone who likes me. the fact that i'm taken makes it more sense and clearer. definitely not the type of person who will still go out with other guys although she already has a bf, just because the 2nd guy is richer or more romantic or better looking (or perhaps, worse looking? hehe chenta buta). well, it's their life, and i am wondering now why do i write this nonsense? maybe because they boast about having more than 1 admirer? hahaha. even an ugly girl like me have that, but we dont boast lah haha (well, maybe just tonite :p) apologise to those who eat chillies (??). i need to get some sleep. taaaa..zzzzz

Prince Edward Island, Canada


it’s not that far from the UK, but a flight from london takes up to 20 hours to reach charlottetown, PEI, canada. obviously there is no direct flight from London, it has to go via montreal to reach my island of dreams. i am rather confused. and concerned. i was asked by Nad whether i was serious about this elective trip to PEI, canada. am i serious? i don’t know. you see, i am rather weak in my judgement and estimation. my heart sometimes overtakes my head.

when i read harry potter, i was really really absorbed into it. i felt it so real. and my mind, at some point, believed that he exists. and i bought lots of his mechandise, from duvet cover to calendar, posters to notes books, files to mouse pads, pencil cases and even my wallpaper was him! people may observed me as an obsessed fan, but believe me, it was more than that. he was REAL, to my mind. i was so convinced.

between june and sept 2001, i was really really convinced that i hate/dislike/despise this one guy. i really hate his presence in my life. what did I do? i did what every girl does, ie ditch him. i was convinced that was the best action. apparently not. 6 months later i begged him to come back and we were together again exactly 1 year after i dumped him and thank god we are still together now and even had an engagement ceremony last summer. magic? it was indeed a miracle.

what is it with my mind? i know ppl makes bad judgement or decision from time to time, but for me, i felt so convinced with what i felt at that time. it felt so damn real, only to regret it in a few months time. my conclusion is that because i like to see things in black or white. i don’t like things that are in between. like my feeling with azali, i don’t like uncertainty. it was either like him or loathe him. be with him, or be without him. for me, time is precious. too precious to spend it to think whether i like him or not. TAK SABAR. obviously love takes time to grow (well, that’s in my case, me definitely not a love-at-first-sight type of person).

same like in HP. i wanted to believe that he exists, and there cant be anything in between. like how i wrote about my loath to one girl in my hosp group just a few months ago. i really really hate her at that time. apparently not. presently, i realised what a mistake i made and she is a nice person actually. i felt bad for treating her (very) badly before this. again, i had to decide to like her or hate her. nothing comes in between. it's either black or white. no grey. no time.

back to my point. am i serious to go to PEI for elective? right now, it felt so real. i really really want to go there and do my elective and i'm determined to do that. but from my previous misjudgement, i'm not convinced whether i'm serious or not. is it just my overwhelming feeling? let me just pour down some thoughts that i had just now.

i want to go there. i think this is my last chance to do things that i want to do. not that i cant do what i want to do now, but chances are that i will be getting married right after i got my degree and then life goes on with my official other half. everything then has to go through 2 heads. then comes the children. then comes the morgages. bla bla bla. seriously, i cant see myself in having another chance to do any adventurous stuff that i've always wanted to do. i want to see the world (big words huh). i want to be carefree and have an adventurous life. but at the same time, it is my lifetime dream to settle down with someone i love, and i choose this, unconditionally. but there are things that i would like to fulfill before heading to the next phase in life.

ok. the plan. obviously, this trip is going to cost. a lot. ok. i got 18 months to prepare. good duration, dont you think? i think it should be enough. plus i work now. pretty good money, i would say, then X18 months. ok. med school bursaries. heard that it is quite easy to get, just that you have to put good effort into it, ie fill up some forms, make some short essays, show determination etc etc.

i think, if i got enough courage and strong determination, i can do this.

however, (this is the sad part), can i maintain my determination for 18 fucking months? that's a lloooooong time, huh. and with me being 'hangat2 tahi ayam'?. FACT. but my feeling now is soo strong and real. but will it last for 18 fucking long months? and...with my previous misjudgement + mis-estimation, i have doubts. big one. obviously this stuff needs limitless courage and strong determination, but can i maintain this feeling? plus, the thought of travelling there alone and live among total strangers, it makes me shiver. fat chance to get some approval from a monkey in malaysia. but at the same time i feel adventurous. this is the same like when i want to be alone in my room in most of the time, but at the same time i feel lonely. weirdo. fickle minded, that's what i am.

(i am actually shaking right now for my over-anxiety-ness)

i am confused.

i dont think i can sleep tonight. i didnt do anything yet, i know, but it's the thought of it that makes me anxious. over-productive adrenaline, i might say, and i cant control that, unfortunately. help!