My World

the truth is.. i hate myself.

i hate myself so much.

i hate my body.

i hate every single inch of my body.

i hate my face, my nose, my lips, eyes, skin, fingers, nails, legs, thighs, calves, toes, every little aspects of me.

i hate my life.

i hate my fucking life.

i hate mirror.

all i can see is an ugly and stupid person who tries to fit into her surroundings. she tries hard, really hard to understand, but she's failing. such a weak and useless creature who is a total failure.

those who love her are blind.

"why do you like you bring yourself down?"

i dont know.

all i know is that i hate me. hate all about me.

i'm alright. i'm okay. i just happen to hate me. no harm done.

if a car happens to hit me tomoro, or if lightning strikes me tomoro, i wouldnt mind. like i care. i dont mind being dead. like i care about me.

no one, i mean no one, should raise this topic again to me. it's just a thought of mine, about me. nobody should concern. like anyone would concern about me.

just like this topic to be left alone.

i decided to stay in the library until 6ish and walked back home. it wasnt that far, just about 25 minutes if you walk slowly, 20 minutes if you walk fast, and 5 minutes if you run (i did this once, so i'm not bluffing). usually, i walk to meds school but take the bus from town to home, cos usually i stay in robinson's (the main uni library) which is near town. but today i had all my classes in meds school, and i had to go to meds school's library to get some medical articles for my essay, so i had to stay there tho i dont usually like meds school's library, dont ask me why, maybe because i hate being surrounded by medical books/stuff cos i hate medicine so much but that's not my point here. my point is that i stayed at meds school library until dark and walked back home. it was dark, so i decided to walk along the main road. it was still dark. oh how i wish i was a boy.

if i was a boy, i wouldnt worry about going home alone at night. i would have been braver. i can leave the house whenever i want. i can stay in the library until it closes at 10. i like robinson's library. i also like to walk along the quayside at night. i did this once and how i got scolded after that. people cares about women so much. not that i'm not grateful. i went to an open house last 2 year's raya, which was situated somewhere in benwell, about 15 minutes from my house. the event finished late, but i dont mind walking home alone, it's about 8pm ish, cos i will walk along a busy main road. but the host insisted for me to get a lift from one of the guests. damn i hate this. 1) i hate being told what to do. 2) if i cant even walk myself home safely then i might just as well not leave my house at all duh. 3) if they are too damn protective on womens, dont they know that it will only make women think that they are weak? oh how i wish i was a boy.

if i was a boy, i'll be braver in many ways. i will decide what i want to do. not that i cant decide on the things i want to do right now, but again, bla bla bla, i have to consider my 'reputation' (like my mum told me a zillion times) as a young lady ("you wouldnt want being seen at night with various guys like da bitch, right?"). i'm still not sure what she meant by a girl's 'reputation' ie 'air muka', but i know she meant well. bosan bosan. if i was a boy, i will not be too concious about my appearance. to a guy, brain is everything. not everything lah, but for example, if you are as ugly as the donkey's butt, but if you got brain, thus money, style (go to style classes lah, duh, you got brain what), be kind and funny, money +++, you can get miss malaysia by your side huh (not that i think miss malaysia is beautiful, but you got what i mean huh). that i believe. but if you are a women, even if you have a pea sized brain, but if you are beautiful, you can still found someone who likes you and be your husband. life is not fair. a brainy well earned engineer marries a young beautiful village girl who didnt even pass her pmr. a brainy, well earned, respectable, kind hearted women doctor will live and die alone (not all lah, but it's just an example loh). oh how i wish i was boy, so that i can have more choices in life.

if i was a boy, i would not worry too much about my family. a guy has to do what a guy has to do. a guy is not expected to have a strong emotional bond with his family, not that he doesnt care, but a guy has less emotion than a girl (again, not all guy, i know some guys who are a cry baby to their mums). and me? a weak little girl who cries everytime her mum raises her voice. damn weak. wish i have less emotion. i want to be strong, physically and emotionally. physically strong, so that i can take care of myself, thank you very much, and not rely on others to lift those heavy boxes when i move houses, for example. emotionally strong, so that i will not be the girl who calls her fiance every week to tell him she misses him badly, just to hear him laughes back. she knows he misses her as bad as she misses him, but again, a guy can usually contains his emotion. no mushy mushy. wish i can contain my emotion. those who cry are weak. a girl cant control her tears. damn weak and useless. how i wish i was a boy.

one could argue with me about the advantage of being a girl. what? make-ups? er, hate those. was forced to wear lipstick to hide my stupid lips. skirts? like i want to show my bulky calves. see what i'm trying to say here? a girl's always concious. what else? shopping sense? like a guy cannot have a shopping sense duh. long silky hair? like a guy cannot have a long and silky hair. less responsibility? hey hear this. EVERYBODY got to have some responsibility, whether you are a girl or a boy, it doesnt make any difference. ha i got a big one here. a guy doesnt have monthly menstruation! or pms! no one can argue me here. dah la every fucking month. if you are lucky, it will only be stomach cramps for 3-4 days. if not, you'll be guling2 golek2 la alamatnye. er, i'm not complaining here, i know there are life threatening pains out there, but compared to the other gender of the same species who doesnt have to experience ANY pain at all? life is not fair.

life is indeed not fair. who said it does? life is unfair, complicated and not straight forward whatsoever at all.

no, i'm not having my pms. nor do i menstruate right now. i've been having this thought since, er, ages ago and now i want to tell the world.

i hate being a girl/women/female/whatever you name it. i hate being the weak gender. dont tell me 'oh you are what you are. it's you who shape your personality'. bullshit. why did i cry tho i dont want to cry? why did i menstruate every month tho i dont want to? whatever lah.

'ceh tak tau bersyukur'. that's what everybody tells me. fuck everybody. have you ever had a conversation with a guy who cant take his eyes off your chest tho you are wearing a modest t-shirt, not sexy whatsoever? i'm not blaming that guy here. i hate being the weak gender, with those lumps and bumps on my body. dah la kene pakai extra piece of clothes tu aka bra.

stop complaining!! got to get some showers to get rid of this anger and unsatisfaction. peace on human kind. peace on earth.

A. Seven things that scare you:
1. the almighty
2. darkness
3. die alone
4. cacing, pacat
5. height
6. loneliness
7. anhedonia

B.Seven things you like the most:
1. chocolates
2. food...
3. shopping
4. money
5. azali :p
6. my laptop
7. naruto

C.Seven important things in your room
1. clothes
2. purse
3. TV <-- paling penting woo
4. laptop
5. emy and ismail <-- teddies
6. lipstics
7. comb

D.Seven random facts about you:
1. i hate children
2. a tv addict
3. trying very hard..i mean very hard..to like medicine
4. supersitious
5. hate crowds sooo much
6. an anxious person
7. useless with computers

E.Seven songs people should listen to:
1. fever - kylie minogue
2. sweetest goodbye - maroon 5
3. stronger - britney spears
4. everytime - britney spears
5. jangan persiakan cinta - ajai & nurul
6. soldier - destiny's child
7. i'll be there - mariah carey

F.Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex..
1. height (must be short..the shorter the better)
2. thin (the thinner the better)
3. intelligence
4. smile
5. fashion sense
6. humour
7. kindness
(azali scored 4 out of 7..he's tall, fat and zero fashion sense..okey la tu..you cant have everything in life dhoh)

G.Seven things you say the most:
1. okhai...
2. whatever..
3. wat the..?
4. sukati ko la
5. huh?
6. u huh
7. yup

ni malas punye pasal..

1. what song are you listening to at the moment?
fever - kylie minogue

2. what shirt are you wearing right now?
none. just my night robe

3. have you taken a bath yet?
no

4. who is in your mind right now?
hatake kakashi...drooling...

5. what's your current favorite lyric?
"just call my name...and i'll be there"

6. where do you feel like going right now?
no where.. just like to be alone in my room

7. what movie are you looking forward to?
star wars 3

8. what are you looking forward to?
duit mara..it's been 6 months dammit

9.what are you eating and drinking right now?
nothing. cant decide

10. last time you feel in love?
dono. a few years ago, i think

11. last person who sms-ed you?
ct

12. shirt you wore before this one?
my pyjamas

13. thing you held?
tissue paper..fucking flu..

14. food and drink you had?
pringles + robinson's mango and orange cordial

15. picture you took of yourself?
hate taking pictures..

16.time you hung out with friends?
yesterday at nad's house, with nad, ct and yus

17. time you watched a movie in the cinema?
2 weeks ago, with nad and huda

18. what's new about me?
nothing. oh..i'm fatter

19. what's the upcoming event you are looking fwd?
my osce result? not that i look forward to, but a result IS a result, you have to receive it whether you want it or not

20. what have you been up to lately?
dono..just like to be with myself right now..

21. what kinda person are you?
right now..like to be left alone, thank you very much

22. are you gifted in anyway?
cant think of anything. total useless

raining friday.. where is snow? it should have snowed by now, huh

just call my name.. and i'll be there

have called someone's name since, er, august, but he's still 11 000km away from me. ceh

i'm waiting for someone to call me to help him cook.

got a public health essay to make. havent got a title yet. theme: health inequalities. hmm..*blank blank

got a presentation to prepare. havent got a title. theme: drugs. hmm..*blank blank

got to go.

malasnye nk blog lately. thought about writing the edinburgh trip in more detail, but then huda's and bel's blog, both of whom i met at edinburgh, wrote the same thing and in a very much detail and precision, so dont think i need to write the same thing for the 3rd time kan.

the other reason (well, excuse), i've been sick. bodoh celaka. i hate being sick. first i taught it was just a cold. a common cold. got myself Beecham's cold and flu powders, so ingat dah ok lah. and that was a week ago! then baru nk baik, someone ajak mkn ice cream. then, on the same day, i over-worked, kononnye nk pulun abis since last day cuti kan. pastu the next day...pengsan satu hari. dah mcm2 ubat dah makan. sudafed. beecham's powder. the whole rack of panadol cold and flu. ubat batuk. vicks pun dah beli. smlm buat sup ayam + lots of pepper, mcm yg mama selalu buat. tapi tak baik2 gak. temperature taknak surut plak tu. otak lembab gile. BILATERAL BLOCKED NOSE, this i hate most. sengau kalahkan bangau. woke up a few times at night, choking of my own kahak. so kene tido gune 4 pillows. skrg sakit leher. binawe. weh belah la weh. tak bosan-bosan2 ke duk badan aku ni. like going to dr makes any different. hate fucking doctor. i know it man. cause i know la.

cant think well.

yeye today's the 1st day of school! got my usual routine back. cant wait to get busy back. eager to do work, work, work!. but tonite cannot work mah. tonite got CSI. both. goooood.

got cracked lips cos been mouth-breathing for the whole day. DAMMIT.