simpler

11/15/2005 12:42:00 PM 0 Comments »
monday was a bad day.
think i'm going crazy.
no. if i think or keep on thinking about it, then i'm really going to be crazy.

one question. i didnt think it was a difficult one. but others seem to think otherwise. but i agree it wasnt a fair question.

is it true that i'm actually a simple person who believe the opposite?

like if i constantly said that i'm a difficult and complicated person, i eventually become one, tho the truth is the opposite? like if i constantly talking about depression, i eventually have one? tho the ultimate truth fact is that i havent?

it's all in my mind, some says. it's all in my head.

some says that i'm actually a simple person who thinks the opposite.

are you saying i'm a pretender? am i a liar?

maybe they're true. maybe they are not. i cant seem to find the answer and my head cant accept that.

some says it works like a mantra. the more you constantly say and think about certain thing, it will eventually become true. is it true? or is it not? i cant seem to find the truth. i doubt i'll find one, and i doubt if it will be a solution that will satisfy my mind.

so what satisfy me? i dont know. i dont want to be unfair nor greedy, but i still want a solution that satisfies me. the thing is, i dont know what i want. so i dont know what will satisfy me. thus i cant find any solution. you can give me 1001 solutions and if not one of them satisfy my mind, then i wont find any answer at all. forever.

the questions are:
- what do i want? i dont know.
- am i a complicated person? i dont know.
- am i a simple person who think otherwise? i dont know.

too many questions, yet no answer. no answer that will satisfy me. the thing is, i dont know what answer will satisfy me.

- do you think they are difficult questions? i dont think so.
- do you think they are fair questions? i dont think so.

they are not difficult, but unfair questions.

where should i seek for answers? will the answers be the truth? i wish so, but i doubt it.

some says politely, and carefully, that i can be the simplest in a complicated matter, and i can also be complicated in a simplest task. is it true?

i dont know what i feel now. it makes me sad, a bit.

i dont think there's any harm on having a complicated mind. but to pretend to have one? it's not good, right? and if the questions that i ask myself are true, then by simple deduction, i'm a bad person then.

- am i actually a simple person who think otherwise? presumably, true.
- to pretend to have a complicated mind? bad person.

so overall i'm a bad person. and i feel sad. for being a bad person. i feel less human. i feel like shutting myself from the world cos i'm a lesser human. a lesser human doesnt have the right to live. says who? no one.

you know what? i think the best way is to be simpler. since to pretend to have a complicated mind but in fact own a simple mind makes me a bad person, then the best way is to change myself to be simpler. that is the only solution that i can find last night. it's not the best solution, but it seems to satisfy my mind. but can one change oneself to be simpler? do i want to? i must. cos being the one described above, i'm a bad person. no one wants to be a bad person.

tho it is just an assumption that the answer for the question above is true.

ok. i'll be a simpler person. i'll try to be one. no more standing in front of the cupboard for 10 minutes to decide on what to wear. no more thinking for 4 hours to decide on what to eat for dinner. no more 'to go or not to go'. no more 'to do or not to do'. just go for it. or not go for it. it wont be easy. one reason i'm bad at making decision is that i'm afraid of the consequences. not anymore. every action comes with its consequences. some are good and others are bad. and there is always a silver lining in every clouds. do i really believe this? i dont, but i think i have to. i wont allow myself to think more than 1/2 hour, then i'll just have to do it.

i have to do it. i have. i dont want to be a bad person. i'm not a lesser human. it's the battle btw me and my mind. good luck to me.

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